Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Talk Tuesday: That old feeling again

If you follow my blog you know that the last time I posted I was struggling.

Today, I am at the point where I know something has to be done, but the effort seems to take more energy that I have right now.

When I step back, I can see that this is depression. Not the "I'm going to slit my wrists" type of depression, but a low level of sadness that doesn't seem to want to go away.

A lot of this has to do with my mother. Both the mother of my childhood and my mother now. (Same woman - I'm just using that as a sort of a metaphor)

Without going into a lot of details, about two weeks ago my relatives moved my mother to another state without telling me. This, after I had a discussion with her and my uncle about a month ago and he told me they wouldn't do anything like that without including me in the discussion.

Yes, I'm looking into the legal stuff. I'm going to report him to the Adult Protection Services and since he's a PRIEST - to his elders in his diocese.

I will probably come back and talk about all that at another time, but for today...I mainly want to discuss that as I have been trying to wrap my mind around what they have done, it has made me look back at how my mother has treated me over the years and how I think that treatment is continuing to affect me now.

As you may have read in my other posts, my mother was quick to criticize and in my lifetime I have only known of her to offer praise one time to  me and that was after I handled my Dad's funeral arrangements for her.

She has drilled into me that I'm not really capable of doing anything great. In fact, she has always worked hard to tear me down as a person. At times, over the years, this has helped to keep a running dialogue in my mind where I brand myself as a failure because on some level and for some stupid reason...I believe her.

As I have sorted through all my feelings of my mother abandoning me by moving off to another state without even a goodbye, it has made me realize that I have an opportunity for a new chapter in my life. I don't have to be this failure that she thinks I am. I can choose to be anyone I want to be.

Anyway, where I am going with all of this is that I am starting to focus on me. I haven't started exercising YET, but I'm planning to start walking as soon as it gets a little cooler and I'm looking at a gym that has opened nearby for when it gets too cold to be outside.

Can I keep a hold of this feeling this time? I'm hoping so. For now, it's just one step at a time and positive thoughts that it will all finally fall into place.


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

In case you're wondering...

I'm still here.

I looked back and it appears I haven't posted anything since June. Sadly, I don't really have anything to report in the way of weight loss. I'm still gaining and losing the same five pounds.

Up and down.
Up and down.

You get the picture.

I continue to battle with my doctor about my blood pressure. He prescribes blood pressure medication.

I refuse to take it.

I vow I will start eating better.

I fail.

He mentions my blood sugar levels are a little high. Not diabetic, but says I'm headed that way. Surely, this will motivate me.

It does.

A little.

I buy Vitamin D, which is suppose to help.

I decide to try one vegetarian meal a week.

I contemplate doing Tai Chi via YouTube.

I can't seem to find the time.

I wonder what is wrong with me. Do I want to have heart issues? Do I want to have diabetes and have to poke myself every day to check my blood (I hate needles - btw).


I'm not quite there yet. I'm not quite ready to commit to the daily exercise and the constant healthy eating. I want ice cream and pasta. Not together, of course, I mean that would be strange. I just don't want to take those extra steps and eat healthy instead.

So...I'm still stuck.

I have moments of clarity where I convince myself I should do it. I should take better care of myself.

I need to do it.

Some days...I even want to do it.


Apparently, at the moment...

I just don't want it enough.


Friday, June 27, 2014

Blog Therapy: Back, Forward, or Stay in Place

Look! It's two blog posts from me in one week!

I mentioned the other day that I haven't been blogging because I haven't felt that I have had anything positive to say. Really, I still don't....but I have realized over the last couple of days that I have three choices here.

I can  move back into the normalcy of being stuck.

I can stay in this mental place where I am now (which is one of wishing for something better, but not truly wanting to do anything about it).


I can move forward even though it's kind of against my will right now...which means actually taking steps, making a plan and following the plan.

This line of thinking has all come about because I had my yearly ob/gyn visit the other day and my doctor commented (kindly)...."we've known each other a long time and you know I'm only thinking about your best interests...but...have you ever thought about having a by-pass?"

Strangely, this really didn't hurt my feelings...it did, however, make me realize something. My doctor has come to the conclusion that I don't have what it takes to lose weight on my own. The question is...is he right...or do I have it in me, but just don't want to make that kind of commitment?

Why am I stuck? And...I'm not just stuck with the weight...it's my whole existence. I'm holding on to something and I don't really know why.

Anyway, this isn't one of those blog posts that gets a nice tidy wrap up at the end. I'm just contemplating things and blog therapy seemed a good way to do it. Hopefully, I can speculate on some of this soon....


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Why Yes...I am Still Here

First, I apologize for being MIA for over a month.

The truth is...I just haven't had anything to say...or rather...anything positive that is.

And...really...I still don't. Not about weight loss anyway.

I'm stuck. I'm like a hamster on a wheel and I can't seem to figure out how to get off. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again...well, then I can safely say I'm insane.

I guess I'm writing this today because I'm procrastinating about starting to write (the paid kind) and thought that maybe...just maybe...if I got my thoughts "out there" I could move past it and get down to business. (Those articles aren't going to write themselves...)

So here goes:

Yesterday, I was reading the emails from a Yahoo group I'm on. All of the people on there sell on eBay (or Amazon). One of the members made a comment about how she knew she should be blogging, but she couldn't figure out what she wanted to say. One of the self-proclaimed eBay gurus (who is part of the group) starts giving her some ideas and then some other people give her ideas, so I thought..."well, here's something I have a lot of knowledge about" so I gave her two or three ideas that I use. The member then comes back...gushes over the ideas of the guru...thanks the others...and totally ignores my comments. WTH?!

I realized at some point earlier today (part of the reason I haven't started writing) is that this seems to be an ongoing pattern in my life. It happens in person. It happens online. It's like I'm mumbling or something and no one hears me.

Then there's the walking buddy that I've talked about in the past. Over the past two months I have been helping her with some pet sits (I ran a pet sitting business in another life) and she hasn't forgotten to pay me, gave my sits to another sitter with a "I know you understand" and then claims to have no time to do anything with me, yet there are postings on Facebook where she and the third wheel (also from previous posts) continue to do this and do that. (Obviously, I'm the third wheel here...)

Anyway, between that and the way my mother's family has treated me (see old posts for that too), I finally realized that I am giving off some kind of vibe that tells people they don't have to respect me. Is this because I am overweight and don't feel good about myself? I don't know. You can't "see" me online, so you have no way to know what I look like...so what am I conveying that makes people treat me that way?

So there's where my thinking is today...thoughts?

Monday, May 12, 2014

Monday Mayhem: Why Not Just Do It?

I've got a doctor appointment for my blood-work this afternoon. I let myself get down to my last thyroid pill, so I've got to go in for my re-test in case the doctor needs to adjust the meds. I was kind of hoping to put it off until tomorrow, but I think getting it done today may be better. I'm kind of dreading it, however, because I suspect we'll go down the path of my blood pressure being high again. :-(

I realize I'm not taking care of myself and I'm just not sure what's up with that. Why not just do it instead of continuing to talk about it? I just can't seem to make a commitment to take care of me. I put everything and everybody ahead of myself. Not in the nurturing type way either...more of a "I'll get around to doing this for myself later..."

I suspect it's because I find the whole thing overwhelming. I also have a tendency to think that things have to be done perfectly or I have failed. Four days of great eating and one day of bad automatically means that I have failed for the week. Crazy logic right? Instead, I should look at that the week is a success because I had four great days, but my mind doesn't see it that way.

Anyway, we'll see what the doctor says and go from there.

Until next time~

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Thoughtful Thursday: 100 Happy Days

I just looked back and it appears that I haven't blogged here since April 25th. It's kind of been like another blog I started a while back - it just reached a point where I felt I didn't have anything to say, so...what was the point?

If you've been following this blog for any length of time then you know I go through these little cycles.

  • I'm ready to lose weight
  • I'm trying to lose weight
  • I'm stressed about trying to lose weight
  • I'm depressed about trying to lose weight
  • I'm "letting it go" and not trying to lose weight
  • I'm ready to give weight loss another try
While some would say this is all about a lack of will power or self control, or simply not wanting it badly enough...I would say that it has been more about an unhappy person who just hasn't felt that losing the weight would really make any difference.

Perhaps that is why I became kind of intrigued about: 100 Happy Days
It's a simple process really. Your suppose to take a photo of something that makes you happy each day for a 100 days. You then post the photo on the social media site of your choice (Facebook, Twitter, etc.) with the hashtag #100HappyDays.

I have to confess, this process hasn't been easy. I'm on Day 6 today and have resorted to taking photos of food twice already. But...I have to say...it is making me look for little things to be happy about. I realized that I love unusual cloud formations. I was also mesmerized by a completely cloud free blue sky the other day. Two very little things, but they oddly made me feel better about my life and the future.

Meanwhile, the weight "thing" continues to go from me wanting to get started with an actual plan to eating pie and ice cream for dessert after having a second and third helping of macaroni and cheese.

Strangely, my weight has come down a bit on its own and the other day I weighed 274 and this was without actually trying. 

Anyway, my thoughts are all jumbled again and I'm not sure where this post is headed other than saying that there is finally HOPE. It's a small flame right now, but it's there...so don't count me out yet.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Fatigued Friday: Taking Care of Myself

I'm tired.

It's not just a "I didn't sleep well last night" type of tired though, but a "bone-weary" type of tired where you begin to wonder if something is medically wrong with you. I've been that way most of the week and for a little while I was suspecting that maybe it was my thyroid again.

But then...

I tried to meditate a couple of days ago. It didn't go very well because as soon as I tried to quiet my mind...all these thoughts rushed in.

"You need to put the clothes in the wash machine into the dryer." My brain says.

"Shhh, we're trying to meditate." I reply.

"Yeah, well....I'm not going to do this for a full 10 minutes."

"We're only doing this for 5 minutes today."

"You know, this is really going to throw you off your schedule for today."

"It's ONLY 5 minutes."

"You really need to dust that table off over there."


"Are the 5 minutes up yet?"

After about two minutes of that...I gave up and decided to try a relaxation exercise instead. THAT was when it hit me. I realized that I am in a perpetual "fight or flight" mode. My shoulders were squished up next to my ear lobes. My back was tight. My jaw was clenched.

I am a mess.

I have the feeling of walking on eggshells. I'm stressed about money. I'm stressed about my writing business. I'm stressed about this goose egg on my cheekbone that doesn't want to go away (I know the doctor said it would be a slow process, but I feel like a freak.). I'm stressed about never having any time to do anything and always feeling like I'm behind.

It's no wonder I'm tired all the time. I'm on stress overload.

So...today...I'm going to try something different. At six o'clock I'm going to try to find a Tai Chi or Qi Gong video on YouTube and try to do it. A friend has been doing it and says she is feeling a lot less stressed, so I'm going to give it a try.

I know things have to change or I'm going to end up in the hospital or worse. Self first...right? I just need to remember that.