Wednesday Weigh-In

284.5

Okay, that's what the scale had on it a few minutes ago when I stood on it, but I was already fully dressed and the scale was still in the kitchen from where we weighed M the other day, so I'm not putting a lot of faith in this as my actual number this week (getting in accurate reading when putting the scale on the kitchen tile has been a challenge). From the way my clothes are fitting - I suspect probably 279 or 280 is probably more accurate.

In other news, the alarm went off at my parent's house yesterday. The alarm company still has me listed as a contact, so after much debate I decided to run over and make sure everything was okay. The sheriff's deputy was there when I arrived and he told me that everything appeared to be okay, but the alarm has gone off multiple times during the last couple of weeks, so the alarm needs to be checked.

I passed my mother on the road as I was heading back home and for some stupid reason I turned around and went back to the house. I told her the alarm had gone off and I didn't want her to think I had done anything - since she had seen me pass her on the road. We somehow went from that conversation to her asking me if I had taken my Dad's obituary from wherever it is that she had put it. I told her I hadn't been in the house since some time last year and she said "well, I don't know how long it's been missing...."

I left after that.

I've been kicking myself for even going over there. For one thing --- it messed my work schedule up and I am STILL waaaayyyy behind.

She told me she had written me a letter and mailed it yesterday. Unless there is some heartfelt apology in it (which doesn't seem likely) --- I have decided that I need to truly just let it all go. I'm not going to have a relationship with my mother and that is the simple truth of it. It hurts like h*ll, but as they like to say....

It is what it is....

Until next time~ 

Thoughtful Tuesday

Banging Head Against the Wall

You know the saying...."It's easier to deal with someone when you realize they are bat-sh*t crazy."

Well, I'm trying hard to remember that....

So.....today....in the latest on-going tale about The Hubby...we go from the "I'm moving out..." back to the "when can you go on vacation?" phase again....

I won't say I'm not going to worry about any of this anymore, because it does cause me stress, but I'm going to turn all my focus elsewhere and that is into getting this weight off.

Yep, I am finally at that point to get with it and get serious. I'm even contemplating trying to train for a 5k in the fall. Of course...I'm so out of shape at the moment that I get out of breath going up and down the stairs, but I think I am going to use it as my goal to work toward.

I'll try to find a link for the run and post it here in a day or so (if I can remember).

Anyway, for all you runners.....what's the best way to get started? Should I walk first and build up to running? I'm going to hunt for the Couch to 5K site and read over it, but I have SO much weight to lose --- I'm not sure that is realistic.

I would love to hear some thoughts and ideas on this because at the moment....I'm clueless.

 

Frantic Friday

I missed a writing deadline last week and was given an extension. I having been plugging along trying to get caught up, but it hasn't happened yet. Hopefully, tomorrow will be the day!

Meanwhile...I had a good Wednesday weigh-in and was back to 274.5! If I can get through this deadline I have vowed to myself that I am going to start exercising --- even if it is nothing more than going up and down the driveway a few times each day.

The Hubby has gone from talking about a vacation to talking about moving out again. Frankly, I've had enough. All plans going forward are going to be for whatever I need to do. I think at this point...I deserve better.

Tantrum Tuesday

Well....The Vacation is on again.

"I waaannnnaaaa goooo on a vacaaationnnn!!!!!!....." 

Okay, The Hubby didn't really do that...it was actually more like...

"When can you go on a vacation?" asked The Hubby.

"When do you want to go?" I replied.

"It doesn't really matter to me, whenever you are able to go... I guess."

"Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know. I would like to go to the ocean, but it really doesn't matter."

"Okay, I'll come up with the dates and you can figure out the rest."


Yep....we are right back where we were about a month ago.

I got a little smarter this time. I wrote out (okay I typed out an email) the questions that need to be asked (how much is the deposit...is it refundable...when is the entire amount due....) and gave/sent it to him. I will NOT be sucked into planning this trip out again after I devoted so much of my time looking for places to go that would allow M (the puppy) to go with us AND keep The Hubby happy. (If you remember - I told you that The Hubby is prone to anxiety attacks and I have to be on "alert" through the entire trip....)

So....we will see how that goes. I suspect he will postpone deciding until the weekend and then try to put it all off on me again, but I'm not going to fall for that again.

Meanwhile...on a quick side note....I'm back down to 274.5 again. Weigh-in is not until tomorrow, but I'm liking that number a whole lot better than the one from last week!

 

Mighty Monday

The topic for this post has changed several times this morning as I sort through some thoughts that are rambling around in my mind.

Since I don't quite know which subject to pick --- I'm just going to jump right in and start with Mother's Day and go from there.

Mother's Day....

Despite everything my mother has done to me, I still felt guilty yesterday for not calling her. I could go into a lot of analysis about this (she's still my mother...etc, etc, etc...), but I think I am actually prouder of myself for finally thinking "No, I'm not calling her --- because I don't want to be hurt anymore." Why would I try to get back into someone's life, when the person not only doesn't respect me, but they also want to constantly tear me down? Even if I discount that I think my mother has some mental issues (dementia or something similar) --- her treating me that way goes waaaayyyy back beyond the scope of this past year. She has always wanted to make remarks that would hurt me or tell people things about me that she thinks would make me look bad.

Although she IS my mother....the relationship is TOXIC and I can't ever be who I want to be as long as I let someone pull me apart like that.

Next....

The Hubby....

Ever since he got sick, The Hubby has been staying up late. This not only messes up my quiet time, but he is not doing what he needs to be doing to bring in more clients. We discussed this at length over lunch yesterday and I told him some of the time management things that have been working (somewhat) for me.

At some point, he commented that he wasn't getting up to the office as early as he needed to and the only way that he could do that was to start getting up earlier. I, casually remarked that I needed to get up earlier too, but I think I finally had that worked out...

Well, somehow...he latches onto this and it goes from what HE needs to do...to him telling me what I need to do...I finally said...I already know what to do....you are trying to give me advice that I don't need and all you're going to do is mess up my thinking.

This doesn't stop him though and he keeps talking --- trying to give the advice. I finally said "are you trying to tell me what I need to be doing or what you need to be doing, because I already know what I need to be doing."

By this time, we had finished lunch and were in the car sitting in the grocery store parking lot. I start to get out of the car and he says "don't you want to hear what I think?" Once again I said, "Not if you are trying to give me advice." He stays in the car and idiot me --- finally says "Okay, let's hear what you think, but I'm telling you I don't want to hear what you think I need to do...you're just going to mess up my thinking and I've already got it all straight in my mind...."

So...what does he do?

Yep...he goes into telling me what I need to do to get to bed earlier....

I finally said, "Okay, you've told me what I need to do --- which I didn't ask for (and I said that) --- now what are YOU going to do? This causes him to pause and he finally mumbles that he needs to get to bed earlier and yadda, yadda, yadda...

Unfortunately, this really made me mad so I defiantly stayed up late just because I could.

Yep, that little kid inside rebelled, but the only person I hurt was myself.

Anyway, where I'm going with all this is....I've decided that I'm not offering him advice on anything else unless he directly asks me for it...AND... I'm not going to ask him for or let him give me advice on anything either.

Instead, I'm going to work on healing myself and taking care of myself and doing what I know I need to do. I'm tired of letting the people around me treat me any way they want when they can't fix the own problems in their own lives.

As I've said before...I do believe we teach people how to treat us. I think it's time for the people in my life to to learn that they can't treat me that way anymore because I am not longer going to put up with it. Never, ever, ever again....

Something Sunday

There are quite a few things running around in my mind this morning, but The Hubby is home and he doesn't know about this blog, so I'm going to keep this short and perhaps get my thoughts in a little better order too.

After my doctor visit on Thursday, it finally hit me that the time has come to actually do something about my weight. Of course...I had already been talking about this, but he nailed the point home since he is adjusting my medications and does want me to start taking the blood pressure medication that the other doctor prescribed.

Meanwhile...we had lunch with the in-laws yesterday. More on that another time too, but the main thing I wanted to mention is that my (evil) sister-in-law has lost a lot of weight and I have to confess --- she really looked good. I, on the other hand was def. the largest one in the group and while every one else was dressed up --- there I was --- the perpetual slob in my jeans and t-shirt.

I don't like being THAT person. You know...the one that the others are going to talk about when you're out of earshot and comment about how you need to lose weight or you feel them watching you when you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and you know that they are thinking "why doesn't she lose some weight."

The problem is --- I really don't know where to begin and I don't mean that in an "I don't know anything about weight loss" way -- I mean it in a "I don't want to start and fail this time" way. So...how do I...do it...in a way that will finally work for me???

That is the question I'm asking this morning. At the moment, however, I just have no clue at all...