Friday, February 27, 2015

Finish Line Friday



I really don't know why I set goals. It's almost like the moment I say something aloud, the universe laughs and throws a bunch of crap at me.

On Monday, my goal was to hit 5,000 in steps every day this week.

Yeah, right.

Not only did that not happen. It has been one of the least productive weeks I have had in a long, long time.

I could list the excuses:
  • The weather has been bad (as in snow and ice)
  • I haven't felt good
  • Too stressed
  • Still getting up too late
  • Still stressed out about my mother
The reality of it is, however, it's all me. I literally feel weighed down with depression right now. I feel like I am in a deep dark hole and every time I start trying to climb out of it, I slip and fall further down.

I know the feeling will pass. I have plans. I have things I want to do.

"This too shall pass"

Just...not...this week.


Monday, February 23, 2015

Monday Mishmash: It's just not acceptable anymore

I'm sitting here trying to put all my thoughts into some kind of order, but they are literally a mishmash of random thoughts inside my head. So, in no particular order - here's what's on my mind:

1. I'm 49 now. I still don't know how that happened. I remember that I did not take turning 30 well, but now that I'm at the end of my 40s, this is much, much worse. I realize now just how much time I wasted over the last 20 years or so and how little I've accomplished. We'll hope the next 31 years go better.... :-(

2. I stepped on the scale today. Although I realize that I am full of sodium from having embellished in Japanese food last night, the number still managed to shock me.
 291.0

That's just nine pounds away from 300. What the h*ll????

The funny (not!) thing is that the first thing that ran through my head was that if I hit 300, THEN I could work at coming back from that. How stupid is THAT thought process??? I vividly recall how 165 climbed to 180 and 180 to 190. I'm remember thinking that as I crept along toward 200 that even if I reached that horrible number, that it wouldn't get any worse than that. Yet, here I sit...inching ever so much closer to that new milestone and it's in the WRONG DIRECTION!!!!

3. Which leads me to the title of my blog post for today. It's just not acceptable anymore. I am 49 year old and I weigh almost 300 pounds. It's embarrassing. I know it's not healthy. I know it's not something I can ignore and it's not going to get better unless I take action. Starting...NOW.

So....here's the plan. Starting today, I am going to walk 5000 steps every day this week. The following week I will move that to 5500 and then 6000 until I build to 10,000. I don't know if I'll try to maintain the number at that point or keep moving it upward, but that is GOAL NUMBER ONE.

Next, I will have to address my eating. BUT...I'm not going to focus on that this week. Just consistent moving. By the end of the week, I'll have some kind of food plan in place to follow, but that won't be this week's priority - mainly because groceries have already been bought and it's not in the budget to run out and purchase more food for clean eating.

I realize that this is going to be a huge lifestyle change for me, but it is needed. Not sure what else to say here to end this...other than...the journey continues....

Until next time~

Friday, February 20, 2015

Finish Line Friday: Facing the Big B Word

This Sunday is my birthday. It's not the bi 5-0, but it's close. I'm about to turn 49.

It has made for a rough week for me as I've tried to grasp that I'm about to hit the last of the 40s. How exactly did that happen? It's like a whole bunch of years went by and yet...I have so very little to show for it.

I don't know what I thought I would be doing doing with my life when I got out of high school (all those years ago...), but I'm pretty sure this isn't it. I certainly didn't think I would balloon upwards in my weight like the Good Year Blimp. I do know that wasn't part of the plan.

And yet...here I am.

I realize 49 is not the end. The thing is, however, I don't want to be like this when I'm 50. I don't want to still be carrying around all this weight and living the way I am living. The weight issues, the money problems, the stuff with my mother, the way the house looks...I'm tired of it. So very, very tired of it. It's like I have been fighting a battle with myself for at least 30 years and yet I continue the same patterns. I continue to let family members do what they want and I expect it to change and I know that it won't.

So...I'm going to look at 49 like a new beginning. A chance for a do over as I get ready for those next 50 years (okay...my grandmother made it to 90...so...I could make it to the big 100 (what a scary thought THAT is!)).

Anyway, I've a bit melancholy this week and still depressed about the situation with my mother, but I'm going to try to push through it and start trying to make things different. Truth be told, I don't have much confidence as I write that...but I'm going to give it my best shot.

Until next time~

Monday, February 16, 2015

Monday Mayhem: Getting With the Program

Yesterday was a small milestone for me. On Thursday, I got a FitBit friend invite for the "Weekend Warrior Challenge."  I haven't been doing too good on these types of FitBit challenges. I am almost always in the bottom two or three. Sometimes I am last.
 I ev
As the weekend went by, I was staying neck and neck at the bottom with someone named Amanda. At times, I was ahead and at other times, she was ahead. It got around time for me to go to bed and I noticed that there was only about 200 steps between me and Amanda, but she was ahead. Normally, I would take the "okay, whatever..." approach, but that kind of bugged me. I was going to lose because of 200 steps. Not only that...I was going to be LAST...again.

I'm not sure what clicked on inside, but suddenly I decided that this was not acceptable. There was about an hour left on the challenge, so I decided I would get in those 200 steps plus add 50 just to make sure I went over. It was too dark and too cold to even think about going outside to do this, so there I was...in the middle of the night...walking around the living room and into the kitchen, down the hall and back. I even did some of those walk in place moves, which for some reason really hurts the back of my legs (and always has).

Anyway, I DID IT!!!! I got those last steps in and added to it. Since there is a lag between the amount of steps we walk and the challenges, I still wasn't sure how it was all going to come out, but final results came in and although I was second to last...I beat Amanda. I even got some more steps in before I finally went to bed (and the contest officially ended). Final numbers:

9891
9628

Of course, we both failed in comparison to "Duane" who was the winner with 21,472, but for me, this was a victory. This was me, for once, not accepting being last and literally "stepping" up to the challenge. I know I have to word on my eating and there are other life changes that I have to make, but I currently have 1999 steps in for today and I'm thinking of pushing myself to make my goal of 5000. It's uncharted waters for me here. I'm actually looking forward to trying to get to that number. I don't know if this enthusiasm will hold, but fingers crossed that it does!

Until next time~ 


Friday, February 13, 2015

Finish-Line Friday

Well, it's been an interesting albeit frustrating week.

The Good:
I actually hit a couple of FitBit goals this week. I made it to 5,000 steps (Yay me!) and also have apparently walked 26 miles since putting the thing on my wrist back on December 28th.

It actually is making me move a little bit more. I participated in a challenge this week (more about that in a minute) and made an actual effort to walk some extra steps to increase my count.


The Bad:
I've participated in a couple of these FitBit challenges now. I'm always down in the bottom two or three. Even on the Dashboard, when I look at my "Friends" I am down at the bottom of the board. I know it's all about baby steps and making changes, but it embarrasses me to constantly be at the bottom of the board(s).  Common sense might tell you that I just shouldn't compare what I'm doing with what others are doing, but...perhaps this is what I need. They are all able to do it...this means that I should be able to do it too.

Meanwhile, one of the companies that I work for wanted an updated photo of me for my bio. The Hubby doesn't understand what the big deal is. His argument is that what does it matter if people see me? It's not like they know me.

But...it does matter. To me, anyway. It's hard to explain other than to say that I am just mortified about how I look right now and have a real bad body image although I am trying to practice self-love.

The Ugly:
While I'm trying to stay optimistic about turning this weight loss thing around, the writing thing hasn't gone well this week. One company hasn't had much work. The second has sent back every article I've turned in this week for some kind of crazy rewrite. The editors are rude and snarky and at times almost seem to be looking for things they can ding you on.

The third place I write for --- well, I had a bit of a disagreement with the project manager. I supposedly duplicated an article that another writer wrote - only their article didn't show up on my Dashboard, so I didn't know it. I was told I needed to provide a new article, but I wouldn't get paid for it. This place doesn't pay me much, but the work is steady, so I've been putting up with all their craziness since it's steady income. I may not be working for them anymore, the project manager never did respond to my last email...so we'll see. This might not be a bad thing if I'm no longer there, but all of this has emphasized that I do need to find some new writing gigs.

Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive and look and move forward, but I'm a bit frazzled and it's hard trying keep my good cheer. Upward and onward I guess...

Until next time~  

Monday, February 9, 2015

Rainy days and Mondays

So...after seeing the weather forecast on Friday, I was thinking this would be the week to get started back with the walking.

Yeah, right.

Today, it's raining and not just a little. It's been pouring...although...at the moment...it looks like it has let up a little bit. So...we'll see...

Meanwhile, I am determined to start wearing the FitBit ALL THE TIME and see if I can't at least get those steps in. I joined two Facebook groups devoted to FitBit and it kind of inspires you to move because some of these people are averaging 20,000 steps a day and then...here I sit...lucky if I get 2500. Since I've become "Friends" with these people in FitBit Land, my competitive spirit doesn't want to be the one at the bottom of the pack, so perhaps this will help give me a little bit of prodding.

Anyway, that's it for today.

Until next time~

Friday, February 6, 2015

Weight for it....

I guess that hope springs eternal because I keep coming back and posting on this blog (which I started as a way to keep up with the journey of my weight loss) and yet...no weight loss is taking place.

I would say I hit a plateau, but the reality is that I think I have fallen into a big black hole and I can't seem to pull myself up out of it.

Back in December, I felt I was ready to get it together and finally DO THIS. But...January came and I walked one time and that was it. My FitBit is already gathering dust. My eating swings from healthy to "why not have that Big Mac?"

I place blame on depression, The Hubby...my mother's family.

It's too hot. It's too cold. There's not enough time.

The truth is though...it's just one more thing to deal with. One more item to put on a plate that already has too much on it. I struggle to just make it through the day and then it's like my mind is saying "you want to put this on top of us too? Can't you see we've got too much going on already?"

And...the weight loss goes right to the bottom of the list. 

I realize something has to change. Either I get it together or I'm going to end up as one of those people with bad knees, or a bad heart that has to get one of those electric carts when I go grocery shopping. I don't want that to be me, but I feel I'm headed that way.

Anyway, I'm not going to say that I'm going to do this or try that. I am, however, somehow going to get it together and figure this out.

Until next time~