Thursday, September 22, 2016

The Subtle Art of Sabotage

I *think* he means well, but I'm not even officially starting Weight Watchers yet and I already feel like giving up.

I left some information about Simply Filling on the kitchen table last night (with some other paperwork I had stacked there) and this morning when I came into the kitchen for breakfast, The Hubby had read through the information and was primed and ready to talk about "the plan."

He wanted to know if I was still thinking of trying it and I said that I had already joined Weight Watchers on the 20th. would think...that if your spouse did something and didn't tell you, then she must not want to discuss it with you, but he didn't take the hint. Instead, he started offering his opinion of what I could eat for breakfast.

"It says you can have a bowl of Cheerios with fat free milk. You can have that for breakfast."

"I'm not doing that."

"Well, that would be easy to do and wouldn't require any cooking."

"I'm not eating Cheerios in the morning. I'm having an omelet with toast and fruit."

"How about oatmeal? You could have oatmeal."

"I'm having an omelet with toast and fruit."

"You could just cook the oatmeal in the microwave. It would be quick and easy."

"I'm having an omelet with toast and fruit..."

From there, he starts talking about all the different foods you can eat...

"You can have sweet potatoes."

"I don't like sweet potatoes unless I have butter and brown sugar on them and since that's not on the plan, I really should stay away from them."

"You can have a baked potato then - that's on the list."

"Not without butter and sour cream." 

I then made the mistake of mentioning that I was considering incorporating some of Ludwig's ideas into the plan (as an example, he is okay with regular sour cream instead of Fat Free), so maybe I could still have a baked potato.

"You're paying a lot of money to not follow their plan a 100%."

And...this is why...I didn't even want him to know about it. This was MY thing.  I don't want someone asking me if I can have that (food choice) or if that (item) is on "the plan." I don't want to have to explain my food choices or be accountable to someone when I didn't ask them to be an accountability partner in the first place.

Then, he asked why I had rejoined. Did I actually have to pay for the plan again since I have the list of foods already? Well...let's see....I quit in February and I weighed 289. I now weigh between 296 and 299 (depending on what day I get on the scale), so yeah...I think I need some kind of help. Of course, looking back even further...when I started on 3/13/2015 I weighed 284, so even on the plan I didn't lose, BUT I didn't balloon up with ten more pounds either. My weight actually just fluctuated between my starting weight and the 289 where I ended up when I quit.

Anyway, so obviously...I have to regroup. I have to shut-out all the negative comments he made and overlook the "helpful" advice that has done nothing but sabotage me. I'm not going to let this set me back, but I'm angry with myself that I let his comments get into my head so quickly. I should have shut the conversation down even if it meant leaving the room. Lesson learned.

~Until next time


Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Thinking it Through Tuesday: To WW or not to WW

If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you know that a lot of what I post sounds like a broken record. You probably also know that I've started and stopped Weight Watchers over a dozen times and if you go back to the beginning of my blog, you can even document the last several years of that journey.

Well, here I sit again after several months of being on the fence, seriously considering taking another run at it.

What's different this time, you ask?

Well, my health for one. It is, as they say...going downhill. You see, certain things happen to you when you weigh more than you should. Your knees begin to hurt, your back aches. If you have varicose veins or spider veins, they start creating a road map on your legs. You start having swelling of the feet and ankles. Not surprising when you think about the fact that you're lugging around almost an extra person (if you are my size).

To sum it up, while before it was more about how I look than anything else --- is becoming more about how I feel physically, which is to say...I...hurt. Going to places like Home Depot or Sam's Club is now a major chore. On Saturday, there was a jabbing pain in my knee as I wandered around Sam's and by the time I got home, everything from the hips down hurt really, really bad.

I've decided that if when I do Weight Watchers this time, I'm going to approach it a lot differently. What typically happens is that I get to our weekly grocery shopping day and then become overwhelmed trying to figure out how to make my food menus WW friendly. Since it is taking so much time, I eventually give up and slide back into regular habits with the plan to start over again the following week.

This time, I'm going to do it differently. I'm going to plan what I will be eating next week on the corresponding days for this week. So today, I will make a menu plan for next Tuesday. I had actually planned on doing this yesterday, but it didn't all come together and as I mentioned before - I thought it would help me to start the plan on a day that would be easy to remember. Thus...the 20th.

Anyway, I've gotten a little rushed here, so need to end this, but I'll let you know it's official when it happens!

~Until next time

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

But I'm not a food addict - really!

Poor choices.

I've been doing some blog cruising, or rather, "reading weight loss blogs and looking for inspiration" this morning and a couple of things hit me.

1) Seriously, I'm not a food addict. I say this because there was an offer for a free ebook by a doctor and I sort of wanted to read what he said, but when I clicked through the link, you filled out a form and had to choose your "problem." Well, I'm not bulimic or anorexic, so that left me with having to check "food addiction." I sat there for a long time thinking about it. Truth is, I don't have a problem with food. I don't binge. I can walk away. I just make...very...poor...choices...a lot.

2) Why I wanted to get the book. In the blog I was reading, the author quoted from the book.

It said:

“Recovery is about transcending our need to fix how we feel and doing the next right thing no matter what we’re feeling.”

“The cart is placed before the horse when we get it backwards by insisting we fix our feelings first. Believing our feelings and thoughts must be changed before we’re able to change our behavior can be a very costly mistake.”
This hit home with me because I've spent an enormous amount of time trying to figure out why I can't follow a plan. I keep defaulting to thinking I have to be in that mode of thinking for it to actually work. The truth, however, appears to be that you just need to DO, even if your not really in that mindset of being ready for it.

Anyway, as I sit here typing, I am 99% sure that I am going to give Weight Watchers and Simply Filling another chance and this time - take it seriously. I'm going to tweak it a little bit though and also incorporate some of Dr. Ludwig's ideas from Always Hungry. He believes that a big part of the problem is that our diets don't contain enough fat and too much sugar. He feels that using fat free products just ends up making us hungry and that is why our diets fail. 
So - what I'm thinking is - follow Simply Filling, but if a recipe calls for sour cream - use the regular amount or regular cheddar cheese or whatever. This may mean that it takes me a little longer to lose the weight, but...if I'm not fixated on food and the next meal all the time, perhaps this will finally make it doable.
I'm not sure what day I will sign up with WW again. I kind of like the idea of it being one of those days that is easy to remember. The 15th, the 20th, the 25th, or the 1st. I'll let you know when I do.
~Until next time

Tuesday, September 13, 2016


I really can't believe it's September and I haven't blogged since August 26th. Not a whole lot has happened here other than I took some time off during the week of Labor Day with the intent of getting a lot of stuff done around the house. Some of it happened, most of it didn't.

I would like to say that during that time I a) came up with a plan...or...b) started a plan, but...nope.

I'm guess I am actually back to considering Simply Filling (for the 100th time) or starting the Always Hungry plan (that I mentioned before). I am literally stuck at this point as I try to decide. I convince myself of one plan and then see its short-comings. I think of the other plan and I don't want to spend the money on something that I have tried (and failed on) so many times before. I know I won't track points. I know I won't keep up with my calories. The best plan is one that I can eat from a list and not worry about the portion size or how much I'm eating.

Yet...for some reason I just can't commit. Instead, it's like I look ahead and I see where it's going to head.

"It's all good until Saturday and then...we will have pizza and that will be that."
"You know that you will want this or you will want know you won't say no...."
"Okay, I can do breakfast and dinner, but what about lunch...that's where the trouble is...."

Yeah, yeah. I know. I need will power. I need self-control. Being thin is better than how food will taste. I get it. I just can't convince myself to pull the trigger, so to speak. To say, this time we are doing this and nothing is going to stop us. This time, we WILL follow the plan. I...just...can't...seem to make myself take that one big step.

Anyway, on a slightly more positive note before I sign off...I am happy to say, however, that despite my inability to commit to a plan (any plan!), I had one of the best walking weeks I ever had. Of course, a lot of it was dredging around in Home Depot and some other places, BUT - I hit 5,000 steps on at least four days last week and I have never done that before. So....keep the faith!

~Until next time 

Friday, August 26, 2016

Finish Line Friday: Tick Tock

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

On Tuesday, I mentioned that I sort of feel like I need to just make a bunch of changes all at once rather than trying to do them one at a time. I say this because - obviously, trying to add new habits and ideas little by little doesn't ever really stick. Not for me - anyway.

Here we are, almost at the end of August and more than half way through the year. I have tried changing this and tried changing that and none of it has stuck. Instead, things have gone the other way and into a direction I really don't like.

On December 28th of last year, I put on my FitBit and weighed (or rather, I weighed and then put on the FitBit). I was at 283. I weighed on Monday this week and my weight was at 299. That is a 16 pound GAIN.

I realize it's time to get real. I also realize I have said that quite a few times before and then slid right back into my old habits. Sometimes, I never even tried to change the habits. I have just simply wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. And yeah, you can try to tell yourself that nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels, but when you're fixated on having pizza or eating Chinese food, none of that is going to matter. I just want it and I want it NOW.

But...that's not working.

So....time to try something new. I don't fully have it all worked out in my head yet. BUT, I do know it is time to make a change. More on this as I think it through.

~Until next time

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Talk Tuesday: Meh....

If you have followed my blog for any length of time, then you know that my life goes around in little circles. I head out with a plan, but it's not too awfully long before I end up right back where I started.

This seems to involves every aspect of my life.  From my weight to my career to my marriage to my house. It's like I'm moving, but I'm not really getting anywhere.

As an example, the other day I mentioned how I stopped using the Bi-Pap and lost 10 pounds. Well, yesterday I weighed and the 10 pounds had made its way back. :-(

Meanwhile, The Hubby is having one of his little high-horse moments and it's like "here we go again," on that too. For some reason, he always picks the time when I am feeling my absolute worst to decide it's time for one of these episodes. This particular time I had been fighting a migraine for two days. He decides that he is going to move this table that had been put into the living room so I could work on my eBay stuff (a place to photograph things, store stuff I'm selling, etc.).

I was upstairs and when I came down, the table was gone and my stuff was stacked up in the middle of the living room. Now, there are a couple of things to be said here. First, the table was put there as a temporary situation. Second, I haven't worked on eBay in a couple of months, so nothing was moving off the table. BUT...the fact that he would pick that exact moment to do this when he knew I wasn't feeling well and he knew I wasn't downstairs to have a say in the matter --- THAT part really pi**ed me off. And yeah...I know. There are some serious issues here that need addressing, but I'm not in a position to take that on right now, so do know that I am aware it's not a healthy environment, but only I can change it - and we will leave it at that.

Moving, let's talk about my weight. I am still looking at the book Always Hungry. I am this ::-:: close to trying it, or at least some version of it. Yet, I can't quite pull the trigger. I am very much like the tree at the moment. I just don't seem to be able to move on it.

I think that I am just going to have to jump in and make a bunch of changes all at once. This putting my big toe (see how I tied that into my blog - ha!) into the water to see whether I want to go all in, just doesn't seem to be working for me - at all. Perhaps, I need to overhaul my schedule, clean out my cupboards, do or die with the exercise and simply just get out of my own way.

Anyway, I'm not at that "rah-rah" moment of my little circle, but I am tired of things the way they are. Perhaps for now, I just need to go with that and try to move forward.

~Until next time

Friday, August 19, 2016

Finish Line Friday: A Big Surprise

Well, this morning I had a bit of a surprise.

Last night, was the first time in a long time that I wasn't wearing either a CPAP or a Bi-PAP. As you may recall, I have been in a dilemma about trying to keep the Bi-PAP or return it. I haven't been able to wear it as long as I should each night and I would have been forking out between $1500 to $1800 for something that I have not been getting full use out of.

In the end, I decided to take it back. I am evaluating my options now and will either a)try the CPAP again (which I already own), b) purchase the bi-PAP online (where it is much cheaper), c) continue on without it for a while.

Now comes the surprise part. I got up this morning and although I was tired, I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. The surprise part came a little later, however, when I stepped on the scale and had lost.......

10 POUNDS!!!

I have read about and felt I was experiencing what is known as CPAP bloat, but my doctor kept telling me that wasn't possible. For the first time in a long time though, I also realized that my fingers aren't swollen. I weighed 295 on Monday. 299 on Wednesday. And today....289. I was below 290. I just don't even know what to think.

Meanwhile, I thought I would share a photo from My Virtual Mission that I thought was kind of cool. When I put in my miles for the day on Tuesday, I was on this bridge. If you could do a 360 of the photo, you would see that there was water on two sides and a car coming up behind me. It was really neat.

Anyway, kind of nice to have some positive news coming from me for once, ey!? I'm going to try to build on that 10 pound "loss." It might not have been earned from hard work and good food choices, but I'll take it!

~Until next time