Thursday, April 23, 2015

Let's Do This!

This morning as I was getting the food for the dog and cat, I accidentally dropped a glass bowl onto the kitchen floor. It shattered and pieces went everywhere.

If you've ever suffered from depression, you know that any type of incident like that can set you off to where you begin to think "what exactly is the point here?" and then you start questioning your entire life.

While sweeping up all the broken glass (which went everywhere), I went pretty deep into that pity pit. The deal with my mother, my work (which isn't paying the bills), the issues with The Hubby...the list went on and on. From there it turned to my weight gain and attempts at weight loss.

I am about to enter Week Six of Weight Watchers. My first thought was "yep, this isn't working again," but then...well, I really started to think about it. For the month of April, I have exercised five times. There's 30 days in the month of April and I have been active for five of them. I have not followed the Simply Filling plan 100% since I restarted. This week, I've probably been off it more than I have been on it.

I realized that I want to lose the weight, but I don't want to make the sacrifice. Weight Watchers gives you those extra points so you don't have to, BUT...that's not really true. You do have to give up something. You can't have all the macaroni and cheese you want and eat cookies and ice cream and  cinnamon rolls EVERY WEEK and expect to lose. You can't be inactive and expect to lose.

While thinking about this further, I realized that my work has been going the same way. I haven't really committed to finding better work or work that pays more. I slip right back in to looking for writing gigs that don't pay me what I'm worth and I don't have business hours, so a big part of my day is spent not working.

Yet, I wonder why things aren't going the way I want them to.

I realize with the depression that overcoming all of this is not going to be easy. Maybe I will have to get some counseling. Maybe I need a stronger medication than the one I'm already taking. Mostly though, I think I actually need to commit. I need to treat the business like a business and commit to losing the weight.

I am going to continue with Simply Filling, but I am going to track all my food and count points for the ones that aren't on the plan. I'm going to log in to the Weight Watcher website every day and read some of the articles and things written their about losing weight. In other words...

I am going to commit.

Let's do this!

Until next time~

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Random Thought Tuesday

I'm not sure why, but I am having a lot of trouble writing this post today. Since my thoughts are so jumbled, I have decided I will do another edition of random thoughts where basically, I'll just post some stuff on my mind. In reality, this is actually a lot like my brain works on an hourly and daily basis. I suspect ADD.

My weight: I did weigh on Friday. I gained back everything I lost and gained an additional .5 to go with it, bringing my total up to 284.5. I take responsibility for this. I haven't been doing Simply Filling and I went way over (again) on my weekly allowance points.

Exercise: I did walk yesterday after about two weeks of not doing anything. I don't want to stop again. I will either go walking again today or I will do Tai Chi. I am going to make myself do some form of exercise at least five to six days a week. If the rest of things go to h*ll in a handbasket, so be it.

My life: So messed up right now. Life is controlling me and it should be the other way around. The Hubby is...not quite in a "mood," but I can tell something is brewing in his mind. I just can't deal with it, so I'm trying to ignore it rather than face it head on. I'm also fixating on my troubles with my mom and relatives again. This needs to stop.

Anyway, that's about it for now. I'm behind with my work and I have an interview to prep for (I'm doing the's for an article I am pitching to a magazine) before 3 p.m..

Until next time~

Friday, April 17, 2015

Week Five Recap: I'm scared to weigh myself

I'm trying to think of something positive to say for this week, but I've got nothing.

In my defense, As an excuse, I could say that I have felt like crap all week, but I think the reality is that I just didn't want to deal with all the stuff involved in losing weight along with everything else going on, so it went to the bottom of the list.

If you don't have a weight problem, you probably don't get what the big deal is about trying to lose weight. Eat less, move more. How hard is that...right?

The reality is, when you are trying to lose weight, even if you say you are making lifestyle changes, it is hard work. I mean really hard. You see, you have to stay in that mindset 24/7. Food is constantly the enemy.  It becomes "good food" or "bad food." Exercise becomes a commitment. When you make a bad choice or decide you don't feel like exercising - it begins to feel like you are failing, or in my case, a failure.


Over and over again.

After a while of facing screw-up after screw-up, you just don't want to deal with it. So, the bad choices become easier and you decide you'll just think about the weight loss thing "another day." The problem is, the "another day" becomes another week and another month and another year. Then you step on the scale and really get to beat yourself up because there's even more weight to deal with.

This week, I let that mindset get the best of me. In fact, I let life get the best of me. My head and neck hurt, so I got behind on work. I got frazzled because I was behind on work so I was late fixing dinner. The Hubby didn't like that, so he was upset. I felt like an even bigger failure...and the whole thing came full circle to today. I suspect...although I haven't officially gotten on the scale, that I will have gained back everything I loss or pretty darn close to it.  I know I thought that last week and actually lost, but I feel bloated today and I know the numbers aren't going to be kind.

At this point, I usually say something about I need to regroup this weekend or need to think...I believe this time though, it's more that I need to figure out what I really want. Get with the program or get over it. Stop letting my life run me. Stop letting The Hubby make me feel like a failure (I can do that all by myself - thank you very much!) and get clear in my mind what I'm doing here.

Anyway, I'm still stuck in the dark hole at the moment, but I do see a rope over there in the corner (can holes have corners?) and I think I'm going to try to use it.

Until next time~

Thursday, April 16, 2015

I Think I Need an Attaboy

I appear to be having a Plug-In problem this morning, so you will have to pretend that there is a YouTube video posted here with a scene from the Don Knott's movie "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken." If you're not familiar with the movie, during a speech Knott's character gives, there is a man's voice who calls out "Attaboy, Luther!" as words of encouragement.

I think I need an attaboy (attagirl?) today. Instead, I got The Hubby telling me that I sell myself short, that I'm "not showing up" for my work, and that he could tell me what I need to do but he knows I won't listen.

Not what I needed to hear at all today. This all started because I told him I still wasn't feeling good. He decided it's an emotional thing rather than a physical thing and from there the conversation became something else completely.

The thing is, I know better than to talk to him about how I am feeling or what I am thinking. I told him I needed some encouragement and he had none to give. His whole thought process is that I'm going to be too late and getting up too late. He's overlooking the depression and everything else I have going on right now.

I've had a headache or neck-ache for over a week now. I don't think it is from the depression, but rather it is either stress, the weather, hormones or the way I'm sleeping at night. I really don't know. I just know that I am not feeling good right now and I am doing good to make it through one day at a time.

Anyway, that's it for now. My exercise and eating is just not happening right now. I do plan to get this straightened out, but not today.

~Until next time

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Talk Tuesday: Slow down and breathe

First...a bit of good news! On Friday, I reported in with a 1/2 pound gain from my unofficial weigh-in. When I weighed later, however, I was down another pound and that pound continued to be gone throughout the rest of the yay, me!

In other news, however, I continue to battle a week long migraine that comes and goes. It was bad enough last night that I had to wake The Hubby up and ask him to get me some Imitrex because I didn't think I could make it down the stairs. It just hurt SO bad...and I was horribly nauseated.

As you can imagine, there has been no exercising and my eating is all over the place. Some days it is Simply Filling, some days it is simply filling up. it was this morning, really not wanting anything to eat because I still feel kind of nauseated.

Meanwhile...can we say stress?

I'm behind with my work (again). I haven't heard from my mother and since my uncle has blocked me from talking to her on the phone, I'm worried about her and I'm in that same endless loop of replaying how everything got to be the way it is and how horrible my uncle is for how he has broke our family up. Then there's the money situation on the home-front again. The Hubby hasn't said anything (yet), but all of this has my income level down so I get the added stress from that.

Anyway, where I'm going with this jumbled post is that I'm not giving up, but I am going to have to take a little time and evaluate some things. My priorities aren't in the right place (obviously) and my self-care keeps going to the bottom of the list.

Not acceptable.

So...I will take some time today and try to work through this. I'm not giving up. This weight loss is happening. I just need to figure out how to make it happen.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Weight Watchers: Week Four Recap

I won't do a good, bad and ugly this week because it's been almost all bad or just downright ugly. The only thing I can say is that I've learned a lot.

Exercise: Uh, yeah...that just didn't happen at all. I did actually plan to go each day, but then it either rained, I was working, or I talked myself out of it.

What I learned: I've got to make a commitment to exercise and find a way to stick to it. It's not that I don't like walking. It's just that it drops to a low priority for some reason and I will drop it from the list rather than moving other things around.

Eating on the weekends: Weight Watchers gives us 49 points to eat what we want. Unfortunately, I use those up by Saturday and then I'm in a negative on points for the rest of the week. Since I do Simply Filling it is kind of hard for me to know exactly what is SF and what's not, but I still know I'm going way, way over.

What I learned: I can't just eat everything I want to eat. I don't have a plan in place to combat this for this weekend, but I am going to take some time tomorrow and figure out how I can eat better on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, instead of it becoming a free for all with no stopping.

Eating during the week: I thought I was going to make soup to have this week. Yeah, that didn't happen. I went to McDonald's one day, Wendy's one day, and had a salad one day...which would have been okay except I added nuts and a salad dressing that I suspect had a bazillion calories in it.

What I learned: I need to make the soup on Sunday if I'm going to have it, so I'm not putting off making it because I'm working. All of this goes back to bad time management, so I need to do some planning on this too.

Anyway, I forgot to officially weigh in, but when I ran back to check it was at 283. That is half a pound back that I lost last week. NOT acceptable at all. I either need to commit to this or forget about it. I think it would be better to commit.

Until next time~

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Talk Tuesday: Fall Down Seven Times...

...lay there curled up in a tight ball while whimpering

I mean...get up eight...

I am way off track this week. Although my weekends have kind of been a free for all with the eating, I have been doing fairly well from Monday through Thursday.

Until yesterday that is. Yesterday, I had a "fail to plan - plan to fail" kind of day that started going down hill with me not having a good idea about what to do for lunch and then deciding to eat not one, not two, not three, but five...yes, five yellow Easter Peeps. It didn't stop there though. I also had five or six Robin Eggs.

Lunch? Well, it was a salad with chicken and egg on it. Not bad...until I added cheese, a handful of peanuts and dug some high calorie dressing out from the back of the refrigerator. Dinner was actually okay (all Simply Filling), but then it was more Robin Eggs and a bowl of strawberry frozen yogurt for dessert followed later by a bowl of Cheerios.

Exercise, you ask?

Nope, that didn't happen either. I could say that is because it rained, but the truth is I had decided not to go because I needed to finish my work. I also suspect lunch is going to be bad today because I was suppose to make soup last night for lunch today and I didn't, so I will probably end up at McDonald's where I will make incredibly bad choices because that's the kind of mood I am in.

I am frustrated. I am mad at myself. I am tired at constantly failing after trying so hard. I am tired of struggling with my weight, struggling to get up and get my day started, struggling to earn a decent income writing and struggling to keep my life under control (I'm losing...).

The problem is...I don't seem to be able to change long term. As soon as I make progress I seem to fall back into my previous routine and the whole ugly thing starts all over again. I had managed to lose two pounds since I started WW (again), but I suspect that loss is gone. I don't even want to weigh myself because I can tell from how my jeans are fitting that I'm back up there again. Not that two pounds made all that much difference, but it seemed light my jeans weren't fitting quite as tight.

Anyway, I'm not giving up. I need to wrap up this little pity party I seem to be having and get over myself. Just perhaps...not today.