Thursday, October 30, 2014

Talk Thursday: Fail to plan - plan to fail

After about a month of nice civil phone calls with my mother, last week was back to "normal" and my mother was at her hurtful best. She has "no reason" to move back to Georgia (umm, what about me?), the things that belonged to my dad were hers and she had every right to do with them as she wanted (my uncle cleared out her house and a lot of my dad's things are gone), and...when I told her that this entire thing (her moving, my uncle and his lies, etc.) had made my blood pressure go up, her comment was.... "well, have you lost any weight?"

There it was. That nice little slap in the face.

Where other mothers are usually supportive of their children, my mother knows just exactly what buttons to push to make me feel bad about myself. She wants me to fail. She wants to tell other people (and has!) that I'm overweight, that my house isn't perhaps as clean as it should be, that I am this or that. She doesn't sing my praise or tell others how proud she is of me. Instead, she looks for the negatives and pounces on them like a cat.

I realize that some people use adversity like this to rise up and show the person "oh, were you wrong about me!" Sometimes I can do that, but right now...right seems so much easier to be that overweight person with the house that isn't as clean as it should be. Right now, I want to wallow in my depression and eat macaroni and cheese while lounging on the couch.

But...I'm still trying.

I'm walking twice this week. I walked Tuesday and I'll walk today. Monday, Wednesday, Friday won't work because it rained yesterday and I'm going to the cemetery to visit my Dad (Halloween was OUR special holiday). So...two days it is.

On plan is to start getting up earlier and somehow pull all of it together. I'm going to try to leave the perfection out of it and just do the best I can. I'm also going to give myself a break from all the mother stuff. I'm not calling her for a few weeks and when I do --- it will be "how are you doing?" or "just checking in to see how you are." Short and sweet and no time for her to sharpen her claws on me.

Anyway, at least I have a plan. That's more than I normally do. I'll let you know how it goes.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Monday Musings: Procrastinating Big Time

About an hour ago I sat and planned my whole day out. But then...I needed to do just ONE THING and that was answer an email.

Somehow from that...I ended up on Facebook and I am.

So...I'll keep this short.

I successfully walked three times last week. Not as much as I need to, but it's a start.

I won't walk today. I painted the ceiling of the porch on Saturday and I'm still feeling it. The plan for this week is Tuesday and Thursday. Then...after the time change next week, I plan to start walking earlier in the day and work up to five days a week until it gets too cold. Hopefully, by then - I will have some workout clothes that I can wear to the gym and I plan to start going there.

So...that's the plan...for now.

I'm motivated.

I'm ready.

We'll see what happens next.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

I'm Walking...Yes, I AM!

I would like to say that I'm thrilled to finally be out walking again, but the truth is that I basically have to wrestle with myself and drag myself out the door to get me to go. This has been accompanied by a lot of whining and "Nnooooooo!"

But...I've done it.

Two days, in fact. I went on Monday and again yesterday. The first time, I did the 30 minutes but it included a lot of starting and stopping. I wasn't in the zone and I wasn't happy to be there.

Yesterday, the Walking Buddy went with me. This was a surprise because she usually finds a reason she can't go, but she had a lot on her mind and I guess she needed someone to talk to. So, we walked and she talked. I was out of breath at times, but I only had to stop twice, so am counting that as progress.

For this week, I decided I would walk Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I haven't figured out what days I will walk for next week. SparkPeople suggests three times a week as a minimum until you work your way up to five or six times per week. The main thing I see as an issue is my schedule, so this is something I will really have to look at and commit to.

Anyway, I've started. Now, the goal is to make this a habit I can stay with.

Until next time...

Image courtesy of [Sura Nualpradid] at

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Say Cheese

On two different occasions this week I attended a paint party. I painted pumpkins at one place and last night it was a Halloween painting. Both of these events were at the same place.

(long story short - one friend wanted to do the pumpkin painting and another wanted to do the painting on canvas)

After the painting part was over, the woman that owns the place wanted to take photos of all the participants.

Unfortunately, that's where I start getting weird. I think I've mentioned it before, but if not, I HATE HAVING MY PHOTO TAKEN.

I do not like how I look. I know my image is probably not as bad as what "I" see, but...what if it is?

Even in my thin days, I never thought I looked good in photos. There are maybe two shots of me where I think I look okay, but not great.

Now, whenever a photo of me is taken, I am mortified. I see the thick neck, the swollen face, the large arms. I immediately think of the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. At times, I think I even walk like the guy.

It's funny. I know a big part of weight loss is learning to love yourself. ALL of yourself. But...I don't. I know the inner voice in my head talks to myself like I am lower than low. Is this my mother from my youth talking to me? Where did this voice come from that tells me that I will never be thin enough. Pretty enough. Look good enough?

Anyway, I am sure the instructor wonders about me. I'm sure the other people there did too. I know it draws attention to "the problem" which is my weight, yet the idea of my image appearing on Facebook in my current state just mortifies me.

On Monday, if the weather cooperates, I will start walking. I made it the first priority on the list. I don't know if I will ever be happy about how I look in photos, but it does emphasis to me that if I am that embarrassed about my is time to change it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Talk Tuesday: The Moonlight Run

I am so not a morning person.

That is why when I discovered several years ago that there was a Moonlight Run close by to where I live, I thought it would be fun to run it. Note though --- that I said several years ago.

The years have come and gone and I have yet to have ever signed up for it. I was so sure that this year was going to be the year, but I'm so out of shape at the moment that I fear they would be calling an ambulance after I ran a few short feet.

The thing that really makes me upset about this, however, is that after years of telling a friend I wanted to do it - she ran it last year and didn't even tell me she was going to be doing it. Signed up for it with someone else. Then when I talked to her - she raved about how fun it was.

Yep, that's the kind of friends I seem to have.

Where I am going with this is that I am having a strong desire to start walking again and would like to get to a point where I can run...if I choose to. The problem is, however, that I can't seem to get my schedule to work where it's a possibility to go.

Yes, I could do it first thing in the morning, but go back up to the top and read my first sentence. I am NOT a morning person. I'm not going to bounce out of bed and go for a walk. In fact, if you watched me get out of bed - I would probably remind you of one of those zombies from "The Walking Dead."

(Pretend there's a zombie image here - I couldn't find one I liked that wasn't too creepy...)

This leaves me with the evenings or afternoons to walk. Which...I could do...if I could get my schedule and act together.


I'm going to try to do next week. I would say this week, but I have two commitments already and I know those would mess me up. I think at this point it has to be all or nothing and if I take the two outs I know I'll have to - I sabotage myself before I even get started.

So...for now...the plan is to start walking next week. I will put it on my schedule first and work everything else around it. 

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Talk Tuesday: Three Months Left

I'm sitting here knowing that I need to be working, but the inspiration just isn't there.

As we slide into the last day of September, I know that this month (for me) has been a complete and total bust. Not only has the exercising and clean eating not happened, but my income for the month has bottomed out as well. I stayed so preoccupied with everything going on with my mother and her family that I just let a lot of stuff go. So much fact...that one of the companies I work for actually let me go. Or...I think they did. I haven't gotten any work from them at all and no communications from them either. No official "You're history" or "We don't want you working for us anymore."

So...after wallowing in self-pity and a month of "why me" I realized that as we go into the last three months of the year it is time to take control of my life back. To do so - yesterday, I started Jack Canfield's "10-Day Transformation."

Uh, yeah...about that.

I had hoped it would pump me up and get me motivated. I'm only on day two so maybe it will, but I'm not like "Okay, this is it - this is the program that's going to do it!" Instead, it's more of a "well...he does have some good points...."

Anyway, today's "action" is to acknowledge that you (yes - YOU!) are responsible for everything that happens in your life. If changes aren't happening - it's because of YOU. I could argue that things just happen to me...but I think I actually do see his point. As an example, he says if you're trying to make more money - you might blame the economy, but the reality is that you have to ask yourself whether you've taken the necessary steps to respond and adapt to the changes.

He also addresses the weight issue. He nailed it on this one for me. The reason for not losing weight has been that I haven't had time to exercise. His response is....that you need to just make the time to do it come first over everything else and make the commitment.

Yep, as simple as that.

Anyway, I know it's time for a change. The Hubby kind of cut me some slack this month because of the situation with my mother, but I know he is expecting me to snap out of it and get the money coming in and do everything I have said that I would do around the house.

So...the plan is to start these last three month off new - just like it's January 1st. I don't have a firm plan in place, but I'm going to sit down with Canfield's "Transform Your Excuses into Action" worksheet and have one in place by tomorrow.

I'll let you know how it all goes....

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Talk Tuesday: That old feeling again

If you follow my blog you know that the last time I posted I was struggling.

Today, I am at the point where I know something has to be done, but the effort seems to take more energy that I have right now.

When I step back, I can see that this is depression. Not the "I'm going to slit my wrists" type of depression, but a low level of sadness that doesn't seem to want to go away.

A lot of this has to do with my mother. Both the mother of my childhood and my mother now. (Same woman - I'm just using that as a sort of a metaphor)

Without going into a lot of details, about two weeks ago my relatives moved my mother to another state without telling me. This, after I had a discussion with her and my uncle about a month ago and he told me they wouldn't do anything like that without including me in the discussion.

Yes, I'm looking into the legal stuff. I'm going to report him to the Adult Protection Services and since he's a PRIEST - to his elders in his diocese.

I will probably come back and talk about all that at another time, but for today...I mainly want to discuss that as I have been trying to wrap my mind around what they have done, it has made me look back at how my mother has treated me over the years and how I think that treatment is continuing to affect me now.

As you may have read in my other posts, my mother was quick to criticize and in my lifetime I have only known of her to offer praise one time to  me and that was after I handled my Dad's funeral arrangements for her.

She has drilled into me that I'm not really capable of doing anything great. In fact, she has always worked hard to tear me down as a person. At times, over the years, this has helped to keep a running dialogue in my mind where I brand myself as a failure because on some level and for some stupid reason...I believe her.

As I have sorted through all my feelings of my mother abandoning me by moving off to another state without even a goodbye, it has made me realize that I have an opportunity for a new chapter in my life. I don't have to be this failure that she thinks I am. I can choose to be anyone I want to be.

Anyway, where I am going with all of this is that I am starting to focus on me. I haven't started exercising YET, but I'm planning to start walking as soon as it gets a little cooler and I'm looking at a gym that has opened nearby for when it gets too cold to be outside.

Can I keep a hold of this feeling this time? I'm hoping so. For now, it's just one step at a time and positive thoughts that it will all finally fall into place.