Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Talk about it Tuesday

I'm thinking that perhaps I should have said that I would not be blogging much because then I might have been on here all the time. Instead, my plans for using this blog for blog therapy hasn't exactly worked out as planned.

That doesn't mean that I haven't been thinking about things or trying to figure out a way to get myself back on track. I just haven't had the time or inclination to get on here an write something.

So - what's been going on in my world of fitness and weight loss?

I've managed to walk twice. I've gone from being able to do the whole big circle (at the park I like to walk at) to being able to do only the small circle, which is not quite a mile. My pace is like turtles wading through peanut butter. I'm slow and I could just kick myself for having to start all over yet again.

Meanwhile, I went to the doctor for my bloodwork to see how the thyroid was doing. He did a full blood panel, which (according to him) shows that I am pre-diabetic. He has said this before and then the next time - everything was fine, so I'm not sure whether there is anything to this or not. It did, however, make me think - maybe it is FINALLY time to start doing something about this weight.

Only...yeah, that hasn't actually started happening yet. 

It's not that my health is not important to me, but I'm still not making it a priority. I seem to place everything else ahead of it. I realize that is messed up, because without your health, what exactly have you got? But, I still find myself putting work in front of it and then finding excuses the rest of the time. Too tired. It's too cold. It's too hot. It's too close to dinnertime. I'm too hungry to walk.

I'm not exactly sure what has to happen to knock some sense in to me. I thought that hitting the big 3-0-0 might have scared me enough to make me take action, but while I sat up and took notice, it still hasn't been the catalyst that I need. I even thought that after having lunch with a friend of mine (who is heavier than I am) might do it for me after she sat there talking about all of her recently diagnosed health issues. She has everything from breathing issues to more serious heart issues. For a couple of days, I kept thinking --- "That is going to be you," but even that hasn't gotten me saying "It's finally time."

Anyway, still not giving up. I just...can't quite seem to make this weight loss thing a priority. I know I'm important enough that I should, but I'm just mentally not there yet.

Until next time~

Monday, May 2, 2016

Motivationaless Monday

Okay, so I was going to walk today and I managed to talk myself out of it. Life is just not going well for me and as the time went by and it got later and later - I kind of had a "what's the point?" moment and so...here I sit.

All is not lost. I'm not giving up, but there is no motivation here today.

None. Zip. Zero. Nada.

Meanwhile, I was reading an article this morning about the contestants from The Biggest Loser and how so many of them from Season 8 have not only gained the weight back, but added more weight than what they initially weighed. You can read the article here.

The article initially seems discouraging, but as some of the comments point out - the people on the show lost weight quickly and is that perhaps part of the reason for the slowed down metabolism (mentioned in the article). The positive part of the article is that they are stating the being overweight is a disease. It's not something that can just be controlled by eating less as so many people seem to want to believe.

Anyway, I'm still here even though my "blogging more" certainly did not come to pass. I really just need to quit saying I'm going to do something because as soon as I do - life throws everything its got at me and I fail.

So...until next time....

Friday, April 15, 2016

Frazzled Friday: Blog Therapy

I've been feeling like I need to talk to somebody for quite some time now. Unfortunately, when I tell this to The Hubby, he takes it as he should do a LOT of talking and not let me get a word in edgewise.

Today, is a good example because I (casually in passing conversation) said I was feeling overwhelmed. From there, he went on to tell me all these things about me (example - you don't have control over your time) as if I didn't already know it. I've tried endless times to tell him that what he says doesn't help. I just want someone to listen and let me figure it out. I don't mind advice and I even appreciate it, but he doesn't get that telling a person how he thinks they are (as if he could possibly know at all what I'm thinking) - doesn't do any good at all.

So....here we are...back at the blog again. As I mentioned in my last post, I think that maybe "talking" it out on my blog is a way to work through all of this, so I guess you can expect to start hearing from me more (unless I change my mind...Ha!).

One of the things I am trying to figure out is about how to get back exercising and stay that way this time. The problem I am having is that I believe I have to have a perfect week to make it happen. Example - I didn't feel I should walk on Wednesday because I already knew that I wouldn't be able to do it today. I didn't walk on Monday because it was cold and windy.

And yep...I know all of these are excuses. It's kind of like feeling you have to wait until the first of the week or the first of the month to start exercising so that things will be absolutely perfect. I also do this with food. No point in eating healthy on a Friday because you've already messed the week up and you know you're suppose to eat out tomorrow, so there's the excuse to eat something you shouldn't on Friday too.

But...I also know that what I am currently doing isn't getting me anywhere and is actually taking me in the wrong direction and to a bad place. I've weighed a few more times since my 300 pound scare and at times, I am right on up there. 296, 299, 299.5. 

At what point am I going to stop this? At what point am I going to say - "hey, that's enough!" Instead, I just accept and I rationalize and I remain miserable and depressed and I don't like myself very much.

And the funny thing is, that even knowing all of this - I still think in my mind that Monday is the day to try something (again). How funny it is, these thought patterns that we get ourselves into.

Anyway, no real answers here today other than the strong feeling that I need to do something. I need to take control of my life and get serious about the weight loss and the exercise and turning around all the other things that are going on for me that aren't going the way they need to. For now, however, I just need to really, really think and try to figure it all out.

Until next time~

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

The Big 3-0-0

There comes a time when you have to just say enough-is-enough and get over all the excuses. I think that for me, yesterday was that day. 

As I've mentioned before, my weight can fluctuate wildly from one day to the next and even from the morning to the night. On Monday, I weighed and I was at 289.5. Since I have been at 292 for the last few weigh-ins, I was actually kind of happy with this number. 

Yesterday, I awoke feeling bloated and could tell that I was retaining fluid. I stepped on the scale and it was at 294. I should have let it go at that, but last night I still felt like I must be retaining fluid, so I stepped on the scale just before bed.


I was still dressed, so I took off my shoes and sweatpants and tried it again. 301.5. 

Yep, I crossed over into the big 3-0-0. 

Now, I realize that this wasn't my true weight, but I have to say that was very sobering to see those numbers on the scale. As you can imagine, I weighed again this morning and was down to 294, so I know that was a fluke, but still...

I realize I am getting very close to that higher end of the spectrum. I "settled" when I hit the 200s and I've simply adjusted every time I hit another mini-milestone. 220s, 230s, 260s (I lived there for quite some time!), 270s, 280s (my most recent home) and 290s, which I have slowly been adjusting to as 292 has become my new "norm" number.  

I know I'm in trouble. I know this is THE wake-up call. I know I can blame everything and everybody or I can take action. 

It's hard though. You may think that I am, but I'm not sitting here eating junk all the time. I don't snack. The house isn't filled with chips and candy bars and sweet little treats. The calories come to me in more sneaky ways. Salad dressing for that healthy salad. Crackers to go with the salad and more crackers to go with Progresso light soup.  Reduced fat cheese that gets piled on skinless boneless chicken breasts. It's all those little things that are piling up the calories and the pounds.

I also just don't move enough. Most days, I'm like Jabba the Hut. I'm sedentary and I talk myself out of exercise. It's too hot. It's too cold. I don't feel good (a lot). I don't see the point in starting, knowing I'm going to fail yet again. I am...my own worst enemy.

Anyway, lots of thoughts swirling around in my head right now. I don't think that I'm going to say that I will do this or do that...except...I am thinking that maybe I need to blog more often. Maybe it would help to hold myself more accountable by posting here, or if nothing else, maybe blogging more would help me understand what is going on??? I don't know. I just know that what I've tried up to this point has not worked, so it's time to get real and figure it out. 

Until next time~   

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Thoughtful Thursday: Things normal weight people don't realize

Yesterday, while reading online about Wentworth Miller, I happened to read some of the comments following the article on Facebook. (If you haven't read the article, he is responding to a meme that showed a picture of him after he had gained weight and how the meme really bothered him.) While most people were sympathetic, there were the one or two (or three or four) trolling comments that made further comments about either Wentworth Miller or overweight people in general.

The thing that gets me whenever I read those types of comments is that some of the people that make them seem to think that being overweight is a choice. And...although it is...to some degree (eat less, move more...yadda...yadda)...it's not like the people that are overweight decided they wanted to be overweight. It wasn't "hey, I think I'll put on a few extra pounds or work my weight up to where I'm 100 pounds more than I should be..."

Instead, it was a gradual journey and for most overweight people caused by depression or stress or some external force that caused them to turn everything inward. And when I say external force, I mean it more in an emotional state, like an unhappy marriage or stress on the job or money problems or...well, you get the picture.

It's really too bad these people who think it is okay to point out the flaws of someone who is overweight don't have to go through what overweight people do. If they did, I think there would be a whole lot more compassion and a lot less judgement.

Anyway, here's some thing that I think normal weight people don't realize:

  • It's not all that easy going to a public restroom. Since public places are required to have handicap stalls, this often means that the other stalls are narrow and simply getting in and out of the stall itself can take some creative steps and moves.
  • Eating at a restaurant isn't fun. It's always a gamble where you're going to end up sitting. If you get a booth and the table isn't moveable, you end up with the table poking into your stomach and the feeling that you're trapped. If you get a flimsy chair, there is always the hidden fear that the chair won't support your weight. Although I haven't felt people staring at me while I eat. I do know it is common to for some people to sit silently judging the overweight person and making mental comments to themselves about what the overweight person is eating.
  • Buying clothes is never fun. Once you hit a certain size, you can no longer find a lot to wear in a regular store. If they do have a "plus" size department, the clothes are always sequined or bold bright colors that emphasize each and every curve or pooch. And...as a bonus, you get to pay more for these monstrosities to wear too.
  • You're discriminated against when you go to the gym. I actually once had a woman who initially had no choice but to get on the treadmill next to mine when she first arrived, stop her treadmill and move further away from me when another treadmill became available (I had on deodorant and I wasn't flinging sweat, so...whatever...).   
  • People feel the need to tell you that you're overweight. A lot of the time this comes from "helpful" family members, but occasionally some do-gooder will take it upon themselves to mention that you're at a higher risk for heart attacks or strokes or diabetes. They will also tell you about someone in their family who has passed on because they were overweight as if this will scare you  into suddenly wanting to walk the straight and narrow.
I'm sure if you're struggling with your weight, you probably have some of your own stories to add. If you're normal weight or on the skinny side, I doubt that you're on my blog reading this, but if you stumbled here by accident, perhaps this paints a better picture of what an overweight person gets to go through on a regular basis. I don't think any of us would choose to be this way if there was an easy way out. Most of us are actually trying to do something about it, even if you don't actually see us doing it. You don't know our emotional state or how hard we've tried, or even how little some of us actually eat. It's a struggle and it is real. Hopefully, Wentworth Miller's story will open dialogue on this, but I doubt it.

Until next time~

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

First walk of the new year

When the year first started, I really didn't think it would take me until March 28th (yesterday) to get back out and start walking, but that is the way it turned out. I did right under a mile and rather than walk the whole little circle, I walked half of it and then returned on the same path to finish it.

In case you don't remember, I had built up to walking what I call the big circle, which comes to somewhere around a mile and a half if you go all the way around. In fact, the very last time I walked it I even ran a little. So, returning to not even an entire mile was kind of sad, but after such a long time away - not entirely unexpected.

The little circle, is not quite half of the big circle. It is on the left side of the road and then you cross the road to continue walking on around the big circle. So, I guess you could say the the little circle is inside the big circle - except the little circle is completely on one side of the road. lol...I'll have to draw a picture of it and post it, since I'm sure that sounds confusing.

I guess we will consider this first walk the first step. My eating still isn't where it should be. In fact, I don't even know how many calories I took in from Friday afternoon to last night. Not only were there two trips to McDonald's during that period of time, but we also had pizza, ate at Red Lobster, and last night had ham and green bean casserole, plus sweet potatoes with brown sugar.  I also devoured five yellow Peeps yesterday. :(  On a positive note, I didn't want a huge bag of Robin Eggs around the house and since I never got to another place where they might have a smaller bag - I was Robin Eggless for this Easter.

Anyway, "the plan" this time is just to take it one day at a time. No goals, no big scheme to try to make all of it happen. I'm just going to take it a day at a time and see where that gets me. I'll let you know!

Until next time~

Friday, March 18, 2016

Facing it Friday

So....I had a bit of a wake-up call yesterday. I went to my sleep doctor and basically I'm failing with the CPAP, so now we are going to try a Bi-Pap.

But...that wasn't really where the wake-up call part came in. Instead, it happened when the nurse took my blood pressure. It came up as 170/102. I actually have questions about whether this number was correct or not because instead of putting the blood pressure cuff around my forearm, she put it on the lower part of my arm.

The doctor also didn't say anything about it, which I thought was odd. I mean...shouldn't he say something like...that's a little bit high there...are you feeling okay? Or...have you talked to your regular doctor about this?

But...nothing was mentioned.

This morning I took it myself. It was 150 over something...so yeah...I'm a bit concerned now. And...just to check again...I just took it and it's sitting at 139/110.

Where I'm going with all of this is that I think it's time to do something. Exercise. Diet. Count calories. Join a gym...not sure what...but I need to get my head on straight and COMMIT.

Anyway, the fog is clearing. Guess that's a good first step.