Saturday, October 18, 2014

Say Cheese

On two different occasions this week I attended a paint party. I painted pumpkins at one place and last night it was a Halloween painting. Both of these events were at the same place.

(long story short - one friend wanted to do the pumpkin painting and another wanted to do the painting on canvas)

After the painting part was over, the woman that owns the place wanted to take photos of all the participants.

Unfortunately, that's where I start getting weird. I think I've mentioned it before, but if not, I HATE HAVING MY PHOTO TAKEN.

I do not like how I look. I know my image is probably not as bad as what "I" see, but...what if it is?

Even in my thin days, I never thought I looked good in photos. There are maybe two shots of me where I think I look okay, but not great.

Now, whenever a photo of me is taken, I am mortified. I see the thick neck, the swollen face, the large arms. I immediately think of the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. At times, I think I even walk like the guy.

It's funny. I know a big part of weight loss is learning to love yourself. ALL of yourself. But...I don't. I know the inner voice in my head talks to myself like I am lower than low. Is this my mother from my youth talking to me? Where did this voice come from that tells me that I will never be thin enough. Pretty enough. Look good enough?

Anyway, I am sure the instructor wonders about me. I'm sure the other people there did too. I know it draws attention to "the problem" which is my weight, yet the idea of my image appearing on Facebook in my current state just mortifies me.

On Monday, if the weather cooperates, I will start walking. I made it the first priority on the list. I don't know if I will ever be happy about how I look in photos, but it does emphasis to me that if I am that embarrassed about my weight...it is time to change it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Talk Tuesday: The Moonlight Run

I am so not a morning person.

That is why when I discovered several years ago that there was a Moonlight Run close by to where I live, I thought it would be fun to run it. Note though --- that I said several years ago.

The years have come and gone and I have yet to have ever signed up for it. I was so sure that this year was going to be the year, but I'm so out of shape at the moment that I fear they would be calling an ambulance after I ran a few short feet.

The thing that really makes me upset about this, however, is that after years of telling a friend I wanted to do it - she ran it last year and didn't even tell me she was going to be doing it. Signed up for it with someone else. Then when I talked to her - she raved about how fun it was.

Yep, that's the kind of friends I seem to have.

Where I am going with this is that I am having a strong desire to start walking again and would like to get to a point where I can run...if I choose to. The problem is, however, that I can't seem to get my schedule to work where it's a possibility to go.

Yes, I could do it first thing in the morning, but go back up to the top and read my first sentence. I am NOT a morning person. I'm not going to bounce out of bed and go for a walk. In fact, if you watched me get out of bed - I would probably remind you of one of those zombies from "The Walking Dead."

(Pretend there's a zombie image here - I couldn't find one I liked that wasn't too creepy...)

This leaves me with the evenings or afternoons to walk. Which...I could do...if I could get my schedule and act together.

Which...

I'm going to try to do next week. I would say this week, but I have two commitments already and I know those would mess me up. I think at this point it has to be all or nothing and if I take the two outs I know I'll have to - I sabotage myself before I even get started.

So...for now...the plan is to start walking next week. I will put it on my schedule first and work everything else around it. 




Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Talk Tuesday: Three Months Left

I'm sitting here knowing that I need to be working, but the inspiration just isn't there.

As we slide into the last day of September, I know that this month (for me) has been a complete and total bust. Not only has the exercising and clean eating not happened, but my income for the month has bottomed out as well. I stayed so preoccupied with everything going on with my mother and her family that I just let a lot of stuff go. So much so...in fact...that one of the companies I work for actually let me go. Or...I think they did. I haven't gotten any work from them at all and no communications from them either. No official "You're history" or "We don't want you working for us anymore."

So...after wallowing in self-pity and a month of "why me" I realized that as we go into the last three months of the year it is time to take control of my life back. To do so - yesterday, I started Jack Canfield's "10-Day Transformation."

Uh, yeah...about that.

I had hoped it would pump me up and get me motivated. I'm only on day two so maybe it will, but I'm not like "Okay, this is it - this is the program that's going to do it!" Instead, it's more of a "well...he does have some good points...."

Anyway, today's "action" is to acknowledge that you (yes - YOU!) are responsible for everything that happens in your life. If changes aren't happening - it's because of YOU. I could argue that things just happen to me...but I think I actually do see his point. As an example, he says if you're trying to make more money - you might blame the economy, but the reality is that you have to ask yourself whether you've taken the necessary steps to respond and adapt to the changes.

He also addresses the weight issue. He nailed it on this one for me. The reason for not losing weight has been that I haven't had time to exercise. His response is....that you need to just make the time to do it come first over everything else and make the commitment.

Yep, as simple as that.

Anyway, I know it's time for a change. The Hubby kind of cut me some slack this month because of the situation with my mother, but I know he is expecting me to snap out of it and get the money coming in and do everything I have said that I would do around the house.

So...the plan is to start these last three month off new - just like it's January 1st. I don't have a firm plan in place, but I'm going to sit down with Canfield's "Transform Your Excuses into Action" worksheet and have one in place by tomorrow.

I'll let you know how it all goes....


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Talk Tuesday: That old feeling again

If you follow my blog you know that the last time I posted I was struggling.

Today, I am at the point where I know something has to be done, but the effort seems to take more energy that I have right now.

When I step back, I can see that this is depression. Not the "I'm going to slit my wrists" type of depression, but a low level of sadness that doesn't seem to want to go away.

A lot of this has to do with my mother. Both the mother of my childhood and my mother now. (Same woman - I'm just using that as a sort of a metaphor)

Without going into a lot of details, about two weeks ago my relatives moved my mother to another state without telling me. This, after I had a discussion with her and my uncle about a month ago and he told me they wouldn't do anything like that without including me in the discussion.

Yes, I'm looking into the legal stuff. I'm going to report him to the Adult Protection Services and since he's a PRIEST - to his elders in his diocese.

I will probably come back and talk about all that at another time, but for today...I mainly want to discuss that as I have been trying to wrap my mind around what they have done, it has made me look back at how my mother has treated me over the years and how I think that treatment is continuing to affect me now.

As you may have read in my other posts, my mother was quick to criticize and in my lifetime I have only known of her to offer praise one time to  me and that was after I handled my Dad's funeral arrangements for her.

She has drilled into me that I'm not really capable of doing anything great. In fact, she has always worked hard to tear me down as a person. At times, over the years, this has helped to keep a running dialogue in my mind where I brand myself as a failure because on some level and for some stupid reason...I believe her.

As I have sorted through all my feelings of my mother abandoning me by moving off to another state without even a goodbye, it has made me realize that I have an opportunity for a new chapter in my life. I don't have to be this failure that she thinks I am. I can choose to be anyone I want to be.

Anyway, where I am going with all of this is that I am starting to focus on me. I haven't started exercising YET, but I'm planning to start walking as soon as it gets a little cooler and I'm looking at a gym that has opened nearby for when it gets too cold to be outside.

Can I keep a hold of this feeling this time? I'm hoping so. For now, it's just one step at a time and positive thoughts that it will all finally fall into place.



 



Wednesday, September 3, 2014

In case you're wondering...

I'm still here.

I looked back and it appears I haven't posted anything since June. Sadly, I don't really have anything to report in the way of weight loss. I'm still gaining and losing the same five pounds.

Up and down.
Up and down.
Down.
Up.
Down.
Up.

You get the picture.

I continue to battle with my doctor about my blood pressure. He prescribes blood pressure medication.

I refuse to take it.

I vow I will start eating better.

I fail.

He mentions my blood sugar levels are a little high. Not diabetic, but says I'm headed that way. Surely, this will motivate me.

It does.

A little.

I buy Vitamin D, which is suppose to help.

I decide to try one vegetarian meal a week.

I contemplate doing Tai Chi via YouTube.

I can't seem to find the time.

I wonder what is wrong with me. Do I want to have heart issues? Do I want to have diabetes and have to poke myself every day to check my blood (I hate needles - btw).

Still...

I'm not quite there yet. I'm not quite ready to commit to the daily exercise and the constant healthy eating. I want ice cream and pasta. Not together, of course, I mean that would be strange. I just don't want to take those extra steps and eat healthy instead.

So...I'm still stuck.

I have moments of clarity where I convince myself I should do it. I should take better care of myself.

I need to do it.

Some days...I even want to do it.

But...

Apparently, at the moment...

I just don't want it enough.

 




Friday, June 27, 2014

Blog Therapy: Back, Forward, or Stay in Place

Look! It's two blog posts from me in one week!

I mentioned the other day that I haven't been blogging because I haven't felt that I have had anything positive to say. Really, I still don't....but I have realized over the last couple of days that I have three choices here.

I can  move back into the normalcy of being stuck.

I can stay in this mental place where I am now (which is one of wishing for something better, but not truly wanting to do anything about it).

Or...

I can move forward even though it's kind of against my will right now...which means actually taking steps, making a plan and following the plan.

This line of thinking has all come about because I had my yearly ob/gyn visit the other day and my doctor commented (kindly)...."we've known each other a long time and you know I'm only thinking about your best interests...but...have you ever thought about having a by-pass?"

Strangely, this really didn't hurt my feelings...it did, however, make me realize something. My doctor has come to the conclusion that I don't have what it takes to lose weight on my own. The question is...is he right...or do I have it in me, but just don't want to make that kind of commitment?

Why am I stuck? And...I'm not just stuck with the weight...it's my whole existence. I'm holding on to something and I don't really know why.

Anyway, this isn't one of those blog posts that gets a nice tidy wrap up at the end. I'm just contemplating things and blog therapy seemed a good way to do it. Hopefully, I can speculate on some of this soon....

 




Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Why Yes...I am Still Here

First, I apologize for being MIA for over a month.

The truth is...I just haven't had anything to say...or rather...anything positive that is.

And...really...I still don't. Not about weight loss anyway.

I'm stuck. I'm like a hamster on a wheel and I can't seem to figure out how to get off. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again...well, then I can safely say I'm insane.

I guess I'm writing this today because I'm procrastinating about starting to write (the paid kind) and thought that maybe...just maybe...if I got my thoughts "out there" I could move past it and get down to business. (Those articles aren't going to write themselves...)

So here goes:

Yesterday, I was reading the emails from a Yahoo group I'm on. All of the people on there sell on eBay (or Amazon). One of the members made a comment about how she knew she should be blogging, but she couldn't figure out what she wanted to say. One of the self-proclaimed eBay gurus (who is part of the group) starts giving her some ideas and then some other people give her ideas, so I thought..."well, here's something I have a lot of knowledge about" so I gave her two or three ideas that I use. The member then comes back...gushes over the ideas of the guru...thanks the others...and totally ignores my comments. WTH?!

I realized at some point earlier today (part of the reason I haven't started writing) is that this seems to be an ongoing pattern in my life. It happens in person. It happens online. It's like I'm mumbling or something and no one hears me.

Then there's the walking buddy that I've talked about in the past. Over the past two months I have been helping her with some pet sits (I ran a pet sitting business in another life) and she hasn't forgotten to pay me, gave my sits to another sitter with a "I know you understand" and then claims to have no time to do anything with me, yet there are postings on Facebook where she and the third wheel (also from previous posts) continue to do this and do that. (Obviously, I'm the third wheel here...)

Anyway, between that and the way my mother's family has treated me (see old posts for that too), I finally realized that I am giving off some kind of vibe that tells people they don't have to respect me. Is this because I am overweight and don't feel good about myself? I don't know. You can't "see" me online, so you have no way to know what I look like...so what am I conveying that makes people treat me that way?

So there's where my thinking is today...thoughts?