Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Time for a Nap Tuesday: Riding Out December

If I had any sense, I would probably state that this is my last post until the new year.

I say this, because I am officially in survival mode and all semblance of watching what I eat and exercising have gone right out the window.

Yes, I have failed.

I realize that it is only really failing if you give up on yourself or throw in the towel. I'm not doing that. But...I'm going to have to be nice to myself. I'm hitting the depression cycle and I know it.

I suspect that some of it has to do with our weather of late. It's been cloudy and there has been no sun. I find myself dead tired even after a night of sleep. I not only have no desire to exercise, but if I were to close my eyes right now, I would fall asleep mid-sentence. Yeah, I'm THAT tired.

Have I mentioned I hate this time of year?

The food. The schedule disruptions. The family drama. I don't see festive lights and happy faces. I only see an overly long list of to-do items and not nearly enough time to get it all done.

So, what I'm saying here is that if you don't like a Debbie Downer, you may want to avoid my blog until January. I'm not sure why crossing an imaginary line from one year to the next tends to snap me out of it, but I always feel better once the holiday stuff is all out of the way.

Anyway, I do hope to get some walking in and I am trying to avoid bringing too many high calorie items into the house...but...no promises. I'm disappointed in myself, but I know there will be other battles to fight. For now, it's all about survival.

Until next time~

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Talk Tuesday: Survival Mode

Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I hate this time of year.

Seriously, it's like one big stress fest that starts on November 1st and goes all the way to New Year's Day. I know it's suppose to be the "most wonderful time of the year," but it's just...not.

First, all semblance of a normal schedule goes right out the window. And...let's not even talk about the stuff we're going to be tempted with to eat.

Most years, I typically throw in the towel right about now. Exercising comes off the table and it often becomes a no-holds barred free-for-all on the food. For me, a lot of this comes from stress. It's like my world is spinning out of control and it's best to just let it all go to deal with another day.

This time around, however, I'm trying to take a slightly different approach. I know that I am going to have slip-ups on the food. I will probably have (and already have) slip-ups on the exercising. But...no towel throwing this time. Even if I can't do everything I need to be doing, I'm not going to forget about it altogether until January.

Instead, it's survival mode time. It's being aware of what I'm doing or not doing, even if I'm doing something bad, such as having a big piece of pie or blowing off walking for an entire week. I said I wasn't going to talk about my plans (since I seem to jinx myself when I do), but let's just say I'm going to keep on keeping on as the days head to a new year.

Anyway, what I guess I'm ultimately saying here is that this year, I'm going to give myself permission to not stress about being perfect. I'll do what I can and let the rest go. We'll see how it goes....

Until next time~

Friday, November 13, 2015

Fill-in-the-blank Friday: Voices in My Head


This has been one of those weeks where it's like one small step forward and 1/2 mile back. Ironically, the issue this week hasn't been weight related so much, as it has been just a bad frame of mind. It's put a lot of voices in my head, but the voices are not making me feel better or stronger. Instead, it has stressed me out and made me feel even worse about myself.

I may have mentioned (or maybe not?) that I joined a group to help me with my writing career. The mentor of the group is one of those people who believes in tough love. The problem is, belittling me or making me feel inadequate doesn't make me want to stand up and take charge. It makes me want to runaway and hide.

During a group discussion, I mentioned a problem that I was having. Instead of support, however, I got one of those "tough love" comments that really hit me wrong. It made me mad, but not in the "I'll do this to prove her wrong," but more the "f*ck you" type of anger that really left a bitter taste in my mouth. I mean, I'm paying this woman for her expertise, but instead of guidance...she belittles me.

Next, was a conversation with a writing coach. It was a free call after attending a webinar and the call was designed to see if we would be a good fit for coaching. The idea was...that if I liked her and could afford her, I would switch from the mentor to an actual 1-on-1 coach. Unfortunately, she is way, way, way out of my price range.

As I came to the conclusion that I would not be able to afford her, I asked her what one thing should I be working on. She said that I wouldn't like it, but that the one thing I needed to work on was to invest in myself. Basically, I decided later that the advice was good, but what she meant was that without paying her for her guidance...I would fail. (just what I needed to hear...not)

The third voice came this morning from The Hubby. He decided it was time (again) to throw his .02 in about his opinion of what I should or shouldn't be doing. What he considered "helpful," however, just put me in a state of high anxiety, which has yet to completely dissipate.

The problem is, all of this has locked me down. I know there are all those sayings out there about not letting people's words get to you, but I've let what they have said sneak in anyway and now...I feel...like a big...fat (emphasis on the fat part) failure. It just makes me not want to do anything.

Don't worry. I'll get over it. I'm just reveling in my own little pity party at the moment. I just hear all the negative right now and I have to work through it.

Until next time~

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Talk Tuesday: Rainy Night (and day) in Georgia

It's been raining pretty much everyday for about the last 17 days, or so. 

In theory, this is when I'm suppose to be going to the gym, but...of course...I haven't. Instead, I'm finding myself at the point where I want to call it a year and say that I'll try it again in January.

I'm not going to do that, but don't think that it's not crossing my mind. Not only is it cold and wet when I want to go walking, but now...it is getting dark when I like to walk, so my whole schedule is all messed up.

I know. I know. 

Excuses, excuses. 

I'm just frustrated. 

I had the chance to have lost a good deal of weight by the end of this year and I let it slip through my fingers. I don't know why. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better. I want to look better. I just find the process...so...hard.

I started Weight Watchers back in March. I weighed 284. Jump forward to November...I now weigh 289. What's wrong with this picture???

Obviously, I'm missing something. I'm not talking about food or exercise. I'm talking about why this isn't staying a priority for me. It's not just the weight either. I continue to struggle getting my income up. I continue to struggle getting the house in order. I just seem to want to remain stuck and I don't know why.

Anyway, I'm not giving up. I do think that I need to really take a hard look at things and figure out what is going on though. I know the depression is an issue, but I think it's more than that. Just have to get honest with myself and sort it all out.

Until next time~


Wednesday, November 4, 2015

I went running! Yes, I did!

Okay, truth be told...I actually ran maybe five feet total, but...I did run!

It really wasn't part of the plan. I got to the walking park that I frequent and a running team was using the small circle to do sprint running (running from one pylon to another and then back), so I decided that rather than get into the middle of that, I would walk 30 minutes on the larger circle. 15 minutes in one direction and then head back 15 in the other.

As I was heading back, I realized there was no one around me on the trail. I mean no one. I had been thinking about the runners on the smaller trail and it got me to wondering if I still even had the ability to run.

Well, the good news is...yes, I can still run. This means if I am being chased by a knife-wielding clown, I do have a small chance of getting away (provided his over-sized clown shoes are slowing him down).

I didn't go fast...or far...but...run I did.

I think I may incorporate a little jogging/running into my walks and see how it goes. Running has never been my "end goal" so to speak, but I am curious to see if I can do it in longer stretches and...more importantly...do I even like doing it???

Meanwhile, I confess that I am still having problems with the food. I'm not on a food bender, but I'm making very, very poor food choices. I can tell it's stress-related, so hopefully more concentration on exercise will help offset that. :::fingers crossed::::

Oh, and I am tracking my food this week...but...the poor food choices started before that...so I don't think I'm just mentally sabotaging myself. Just pre-holiday stress and a bit of depression thrown in (which always happens around this time of year).

Anyway, guess that's it for now.

Until next time~

Friday, October 30, 2015

Frazzled Friday: Can we say stressed?

Today is a day where it feels like I'm juggling too many plates up in the air and I'm just waiting to see which one falls first.

My truck needs brakes. This wouldn't seem like an incredibly big deal except The Hubby can't decide whether he wants to work on them himself or if we should pay someone to do it.

This wouldn't be a big deal either, except that I have places to go today and tomorrow and I need to either be able to drive the truck or I need to use our car (which he drives most of the time). But...he doesn't know what he's doing today or tomorrow, so I either drive the truck and listen to the "EEEEE...EEEEEE..EEEE" noise coming from the back wheels...OR...I stay home and can't get what I need to do done.

Add to this, I'm still not back to walking, since I have banged the knee up really good. 

Anyway, can we say sttreessseeedddd?!

Unfortunately, not only does this mean my errands aren't getting run and I'm not getting any work done, this whole thing makes me want to eat. Yeah, I know. I've said that I'm not a stress eater and normally I'm not. But...there are exceptions and this is one. I want carbs and I want them now.

Anyway, I'll work through it, but I hate this feeling of things being out of control. I like knowing what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I don't have that feeling right now.

Until next time~

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Fall down three time...

Remember how I said that as soon as I mention my goals, something seems to happen?

Well, about that....

Last week, I came home from a paint party (one of those places where you paint an image on canvas while socializing...you can bring drinks, food, etc...) and as I was coming up onto my porch, I tripped on the top riser of the stairs (was watching our cat and not where I was going) and fell.

This was bad enough, but then I tried to get myself up by putting my hand on a box on the porch (hubby had car parts in it) and since it wasn't full, the box caved in and I fell...again. No broken bones, but a very bruised knee and I apparently twisted my back and neck.

Not the end of the story though.

Nope, on Monday I was out with the dog in the rain and he decided to lunge forward. Unfortunately, I was standing in wet grass and mud with no way to brace myself, so...you guessed it...down I went again. Landed on both knees this time.

Anyway, this is now my second week of not walking. :-(

I'm not giving up. I will return to walking. I'm just not sure when. Both legs are bruised and I suspect I've pulled something in the left knee. I've been taking it easy and I'll get over it. But...I don't think I'll be posting anymore goals anytime soon. I'll just start doing it and then announce that I'm back at it.

Until next time~