Thursday, April 17, 2014

Throwback Thursday: My Weight, Happiness, Childhood, and Beyond

I started to write about this last week, but I really couldn't get my thoughts clear on the subject, so wrote about something else instead.

I got a letter from my mother back on the 7th after she and I had exchanged some words the week before. As you may recall, my mother accused me of trying to manipulate her and steal her money after my Dad passed away and I tried to help her Execute his Will. Her family had her hire a lawyer and it got very messy. Words were said. Feelings were hurt. I finally walked away from all of it and have had little contact with my mother except for an occasional call where we always end up arguing.

I realize that my mother is not altogether there. Her family swears it's not Alzheimer's or dementia, but it's more than apparent that "not all of the crayons are in the box." She now says that she doesn't remember saying any of the things she said to me  and doesn't understand what is "wrong" with me. 

Where I am going with all of this is that she sends me a letter and basically states that she doesn't think that I'm a very happy person. My first thought was "duh!"....I mean, my mother basically told everyone I was a horrible person and turned my relatives against me...but I'm suppose to be happy???

As the days passed, however, and I pondered her letter...I had to ask myself if I am happy. Obviously, the immediate answer is NO...but...have I ever been happy? You know, I'm not really sure. I mean I've had happy moments, but a happy life? Not so much.

Growing up was a rough time for me because my Dad was drinking and my mother was (and still is) negative all the time. I've read books about living in this kind of family situation and it's often referred to as "walking on eggshells." I would say that is when I started turning to food for comfort, but I'm really not one of those kind of eaters. I just ate what I wanted and certain foods brought me happiness...or my version of it.

I gained some weight during my time at home, but I was young and active in high school and the weight came right back off. I was actually thin when I met The Hubby and then it all changed. The Hubby didn't want to get married. He wasn't ready for commitment. I had no self-worth. I waited. I waited some more. I also literally weighted. I gained five pounds and then 10 pounds and then 20...The number kept climbing right on up there and when he finally decided he would marry me...I was right at 165. 

I think some people go into marriage with the expectation that their spouse will change once the wedding rings are on their fingers, but the truth is....what you start out with...is what you get. The Hubby always had and still continues to put his mother first. He was passive aggressive before and he is passive aggressive now. My weight continued to climb. 170, 180, 190...eventually over the 200 mark and beyond.

I look back and I still wasn't eating for comfort and I say that because I don't really turn to food when things go wrong...I basically was just eating a lot when I did eat to stuff all those unhappy emotions down. I was, and still continue to show my unhappiness on the outside and I guess it is my form of control in an uncontrollable world.I say this because the people around me do what they want and I have somehow convinced myself that I am suppose to take it. My mother doing what she did. My relatives doing what they did. The Hubby and all the crap he has done and continues to do...

Anyway, where I am going with all of this is that ever since I got that letter from my mother...I have been thinking...I want a happy life. I want my outside to reflect my emotions on the inside and I think that starts with taking care of myself first, I know this ending is an incomplete thought here, but basically what I am thinking is that I need to practice self-love.

More thoughts on this as I discover how to do that....

Until next time...


Friday, April 11, 2014

Flake Friday: Procrastination and Perfection

I really have no clue what the title of this blog post means other than I am sitting here right now finding every excuse I can not to start writing (the writing that pays...anyway). I don't know why I am doing this other than I feel like the rest of the week has already been messed up....so....why try to make today a winning day?

Ironically, that's quite similar to my dieting and exercise attempts. Already messed it up for this day/week/month/year...might as well wait until tomorrow/next week/next month/next year. Strangely, I read an article that said that trying to be perfect is actually tied to depression. Apparently, people who aren't depressed are usually able to just kind of go with the flow, but people who are depressed hang on to the thought that everything must be perfect for them to succeed, which as you know rarely ever happens, so that feeds the depression....or something like that.

I really can't say that much has changed here other than the bruising on my face has lessened. The hematoma is still there and if you think you're subconscious (don't think that's the right word, but can't think of the word I actually want to use...) about your appearance when you're overweight...well, you can imagine how it feels to be overweight AND have a goose egg sitting on your cheek.

Anyway, there's a lot more on my mind right now, but I think writing about it today would just make this post more confusing than it really is. My mother sent me a letter that I want to talk about and there is an inkling of an idea of exercising again wandering around in my brain, so there's another whole blog post about that. For now...just know I'm still here and I am reading through everyone's blog even if I'm not always commenting.

Until next time....

Friday, March 28, 2014

Fatigued Friday: I'm Only Happy When It Rains

I'm not a big fan of thunderstorms and I don't like driving in the rain, but when I'm snug and warm in my house I actually like dark and dreary days. I always envision myself sitting in a chair, reading a book next to the fireplace while my dog sleeps near my feet.

In reality, I'm sitting at the computer while I look out the window and my dog is nearby, but he's behind me and I have a little bit of a chill right now.

Anyway, that all really doesn't have anything to do with what I planned to blog about other than I am trying to formulate some thoughts, so I'm kind of stalling right now.

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and it does appear I have hematoma. The ENT drain some blood of it and we are in a "wait and see" phase as to what happens next. I've been told to expect a slow healing process, which means that the bump/lump on my cheek may be hanging around a while.

Wonderful....just wonderful....

Meanwhile, I found out yesterday that the thyroid medication is still too high, so the dose has been lowered again. The doctor says that he doesn't think that is causing the fatigue, but a friend of mine said the same thing happened to her...so I'm not ruling it out.

Anyway, I'm going to try to blog on here a little more often as I formulate a weight loss plan, but if you don't hear from me, then know that means that I am probably just still trying to get on the other side of this and I'll hopefully be checking in soon.

~Until next time....

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Talk Tuesday: SO tired

Surprise!

Two blog posts from me in one week. I am suppose to be writing right now (the paid kind), but I'm sitting here trying to get it together instead.

I am SO incredibly tired. I don't know if it's all those little blood cells running around doing there thing as they try to heal my poor face or if my thyroid is just completely out of whack. Regardless, I am like a human slug....just moving sooooo slowly and could fall asleep if I were to dare shut my eye for more than a minute. They did my bloodwork when I went to the doctor to get my stitches out, so I should be hearing something on that soon.

Meanwhile, it also kind of occurred to me that it could possibly be because this week...I am NOT getting enough calories. I just have no appetite, so have mostly been having soup for lunch. Guess I will weigh myself when I go take my shower in a minute and see what the scale says.

Anyway, still contemplating the different eating plans out there. I don't want to have to count calories or points, so am studying options that will make it as simple as possible when I begin making my lifestyle changes. At the moment, I'm working on getting plenty of fluids to help with the healing, so I am at least accomplishing that.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Monday Musings: I Feel Pretty...Oh, So Pretty...NOT!



It's funny how things can change on a dime. One day everything is going in one direction and the next....well, the next you're dealing with something entirely different.

Last week (Friday - the 14th), The Hubby and I went with the MIL to see a jazz concert (Chris Botti) in Atlanta. As you may recall, I'm playing nice with the MIL so when she got tickets for everyone I agreed to go.

The night was fairly uneventful. We saw the show. We dropped the MIL off. We stopped and got Waffle House because we were both starving and we came home.

Around 2 a.m. we were finally heading to bed and I stupidly moved the dog's pen which allowed him to get out of the living room and he made a beeline for the upstairs. I told The Hubby to stop him, but The Hubby just stood there, so I went after the dog. Somehow, and I am still unsure of the order of events...I tripped on my computer case (I don't remember this, but The Hubby said he saw me) and then fell toward the sideboard. I caught my balance, but turned my leg wrong (or something) and fell...hitting my face...full force...into a storage tote.

I knew it was bad before I even got up off the floor. The area right under my eye became swollen immediately and...when I touched my face...I felt blood. Long story, short. I ended up at the emergency room. I got two stitches and my cheekbone and below my eye have been severely swollen. Plus, my entire right side of my face is bruised from below my eye to my chin. Even my neck got bruised.

I'm a mess.

The irony is that several hours earlier, we had been in an elevator after the concert and I could see my reflection in the metal of the elevator doors. It was kind of one of those moments where the reality of your size and how you really look just kind of hits you. There I stood, sharing a ride on an elevator with a bunch of thin people and I remember thinking just how unattractive I really am. My hair needs cutting. I had planned on wearing a long-sleeved shirt, but it was so warm I had opted for a t-shirt (because I don't have a short-sleeved dress shirt) and since we were walking from a parking deck, I worse running shoes.

I looked unkempt. 
I looked overweight.
I looked like I had just given up and I think perhaps I had.

And...now....well, now...I am not only overweight and unattractive, I'm also a swollen blackish-blue mess. The one thing I have learned over this past week is that I really have to take the time to take care of myself. I've put it off. I've made excuses. I've told myself I'm not worth it. After seeing my reflection and now this awful distorted mess (I keep using that word) in the mirror...I know it's time to make changes.

Since the swelling isn't going down as fast as it should...I see an ENT on Wednesday. Please keep me in your thoughts that things are going normally for me. I'm worried and I'm scared. Mostly, though I just want to get on the other side of this and get my life back.....

Monday, March 3, 2014

Monday Musings: Not Getting It Together

I keep feeling like I should update this blog so you'll know I'm still around. The problem is...just like it is right now...I'm just really not sure what to say.

I just can't seem to make all the pieces come together when it comes to my weight loss journey. It is starting to become warm enough for me to get out and walk, but I can't figure out when to do it. I'm not a morning person. I struggle to get up at my normal time each morning, so trying to get up earlier isn't something that I even want to think about doing. The fact that the time change is almost upon us isn't helping the situation either. Of course, the extra hours of sunlight mean extra time to do something in the evening...but...if I do that, then I'll be eating dinner right around bedtime.

So...I'm lost as to what to do about that. If I go during the afternoon, I'm not working and no work means no pay...that doesn't work either.

Then...there's the food. My most recent goal has been to cut out processed foods. This all seems well and good until I begin to realize just exactly how many of the regular foods I eat are processed. The problem is...I don't know what to substitute my regular food choices with that isn't going to either take a lot of time to prepare or cost a lot of money to buy. Let's face it...processed usually means cheap and cheap is what I need right now due to the money concerns.

I realize as I write this that all of these are excuses. I could find a way to make this work...if I wanted to, but it all seems like one more thing to do on an already overly-crowded to-do list. In other words, I want it....but right now....it would appear that I just don't want it badly enough.

~Until next time

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Talk Thursday

I weighed yesterday.

275.5
That's a big improvement over last week when I was in the 280s once again. I think if we can get out of this crazy winter weather nonsense, I may actually get inspired to see if I can get the number to go lower.

For now, it's survival mode here. Our finances are an issue yet again and I'm in panic mode while The Hubby buries his head in the sand. Thankfully, he hasn't started his usual crap about me not making any money. That may be because I have been working my a** off....okay...I wish I actually was working my a** off, as in exercising, but rather it's been nailing my butt to the chair and doing as much online work as I can.

Except for today....today...I can't seem to get started and I really need to take a moment and regroup.

:::::sigh:::::