Thursday, May 28, 2015

Getting with the program

I'm not sure how it happened, but I actually ended up UNDER my point allowance for yesterday. I have 40 points a day (I lost one when I was down two pounds on Monday) and I only used 33.

That's even with making one incredibly bad decision, which was to have a piece of leftover pizza that I found in the freezer. I was reaching for my Lean Cuisine and...there it was. A piece of pizza I froze a couple of weeks ago.

If nothing else, this shows me it is possible to do this. As the little motivation meme says, it is going to take time, dedication, and a whole lot of other stuff to make it happen. It kind of paralyzes me to even think about it, but I'm going to do my best to make this happen.


Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Keep on, tracking

Well....yay, me!

I tracked a whole week! First time I have ever done that!

Good, bad and ugly - I wrote it all down. In some cases, I had to "guesstimate," which was hard for me, but I made myself do it. As an example, we went to a steakhouse yesterday that WW doesn't have any information for. I ended up piecing the menu together by looking at O'Charley's and Longhorns menu items to get an idea of the points I used.

The perfectionist in my didn't like this, but I made myself do it. Needless to say, it was quite a shocker when at the end of the day I looked over everything and I had used.... 76 points.

Yep, that's right. As of yesterday, I now get 40 points instead of 41 (I lost those two pounds of water from last week!), so I ate almost two days of points in one day. And I wonder why I have a weight problem.....

The funny thing is, although there were some bad (meaning junk food) things tracked for the day, the high point foods weren't really what I consider bad. I had a steak, which you would think would be healthy, but cost me 10 points. A sweet potato was almost the same (got into trouble there because I got butter and brown sugar on it).

Basically, I'm just making bad choices with my day-to-day eating. I'm also still not moving enough. I nailed my 5,000 steps on Saturday and Sunday, but then yesterday it was back around 3,500 again. So, no big surprises as to why the weight is not coming off.

Anyway, I'm sitting at 285.5 as of yesterday. I'm accepting that this is probably not going to be a perfect week either, but I am becoming more aware of what I'm eating. Hopefully, my small changes will add up to bigger ones. And the bigger changes will finally help this weight come off.

Until next time~ 

Friday, May 22, 2015

The Numbers Don't Lie

I have to say that although I still find myself fighting the "perfection" mentality, I am finding the point counting experience to be rather eye-opening.

I get 41 points a day.

My points have looked like this:

Monday          44
Tuesday          59
Weds               51
Thursday        54
so far...Friday 17

The funny thing is, I'm not sitting here eating potato chips and candy. These numbers come from pasta, baked beans, mashed potatoes, and Raisin Bran cereal. They are from eating chicken thighs instead of chicken breasts and bagels for breakfast instead of Egg Beaters. And...yes, I'm aware that carbohydrates seem to be the culprit a lot of the time. As I said, it's been quite the eye-opener.

In addition to this, there has been very little movement on my part. This particular week, my step count has averaged between 2500 and 3000. Part of that, however, is because I haven't been faithfully wearing the FitBit. I need to make a point next week to really take a look at this and see what my numbers actually are. It's become very clear to me that I have to start getting the exercise in. I think that is going to be the real key.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. An unofficial weigh-in this morning put me back at 286, which is still two pounds above that original number when I started my latest weight loss journey. I won't jinx myself by telling my plans to turn this around, but I can say that it's all making more sense to me now.

Until next time~

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Talk Thursday: Pasta is Evil

This week has been a real eye-opener for me. As I mentioned on Tuesday, I decided to go back to counting points instead of doing the Simply Filling plan on Weight Watchers.

Counting points is hard for me because I get caught up in trying log everything perfectly and when I have to guess, well, it feels like I am going to fail a test I studied for. Who's going to be looking at my "work?" I have no clue, but there is just a feeling there that it must be "perfect."

I decided this time I would "guesstimate" this time and try to be okay with it. If I'm off a little bit one way or the other, it should all work itself out in the end.

Interestingly, on most of the days my food choices haven't been all that bad. Except...I apparently am not going to be able to eat dishes that contain pasta. Yep, pasta is evil. It is my go-to comfort food and I don't just eat until I am full. I eat until I am stuffed.

I also see that I am going to have to get moving and make the exercise a priority. If you take away the pasta, my food points aren't all that much over the daily allowance. If I had been getting my steps in and doing 30 minutes of exercise every day, I probably would have been right at my daily point number or maybe just one or two over.  

Anyway, I think we can say that I am making progress this week. I don't know if I will have a loss when everything is said or done, but I am at least getting a plan together for moving forward.

Until next time~ 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Try, try, try, try again

I didn't realize it until I counted, but I am in my 11th week of Weight Watchers. Now, you would think that I would be celebrating some kind of loss after 11 weeks on the program, but after my weigh in yesterday, I discovered that I had actually gained four pounds since I started.




Really, it's probably more than that because I went from 284 to 281 and upon weighing in yesterday, I discovered I was at 288. I suspect that some of that was water retention, but since I was 286 on Friday, it's still more than where I originally began.

After seeing that number yesterday, I decided it was time to face this head on. I got a notebook out and started tracking. I mean REALLY tracking. If I ate it, I wrote it down. I realized that a lot of foods I had ate weren't Simply Filling, so I decided to change back to point counting to see if that would help,

Now, for those who have followed my blog, you know that part of my problem is that I fixate on perfection for counting points. I get hung up in the tiny details and just lock down. Then I usually throw in the towel because I'm overwhelmed.

This time, however, I decided that if in doubt - I will make an educated guess and not stress about it. It's better to guess than to not track it at all and hopefully if I have underestimated, I have over estimated on something else.

Surprisingly, I had 41 allowed points for yesterday. I used 44. If I had walked and got the activity points, it would have actually been a good day. As it was, there are three weekly allowance points gone, which I'm not happy about, but it's okay. The point for this week is just to write it down and count it. I mean, count all of it. The cereal after midnight. The crackers I had yesterday for a snack. The bowl of ice cream...

The point this week is to simply see how many points I am really using. To "get real" as it were and take an honest look at things. The points scare me because, as I said, it means I have to just make my best guess, but...I think I need to do this.

So, here we are. That's what I'm concentrating on this week. I'm writing it in the notebook and I'm going to see where I end up.

Until next time~

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Talk Thursday: Excuse Me While I Have My Own Pity Party Here

It was bound to happen. Every time something comes up with my mother, I end up in this downward spiral and then everything falls apart on me.

I talked with my mother on the phone on Mother's Day and we discussed her coming back to live in Georgia. She would "have to see" and "would like to, but she's soooo tired right now" and "maybe she could move back later after she's feeling better."

Which was basically just a bunch of bullsh*t, but while the more reasonable part of my brain knew that this all was just more of the same, the little girl inside me was still holding onto the optimism that maybe, just maybe she would.

I asked my cousin to talk to her (Mom called from my cousin's house) and see what my mother really wanted to do. I knew when I didn't hear back from my cousin on Monday or Tuesday that I wasn't going to like the answer and sure enough when she finally sent an email, she said that my mother definitely did not want to return.

You would think that once you are stabbed over and over in the heart again and again that you would get use to it or even become immune to being treated like you are nothing, but it doesn't work that way. Instead, your heart breaks all over again and then there's all these little pieces to pick up and try to stick back together.

So,  I'm sitting there this morning and I actually find myself thinking "maybe my mother would love me more if I were thin like her beloved paralegal (for those that don't remember, my mother repeatedly chose to have her paralegal help her over accepting the help of her own daughter and wouldn't get rid of the  woman because "she's such a good friend and has helped me so much") and suddenly I realize just how screwed up I really am.

Anyway, at the moment there is just not much fight left in me. There is a part that is planning to move ahead and get with it on this "weight loss thing" and another part of me that just literally feels like a big fat failure.

Don't worry, I'll bounce back from this. For today, however, I'm throwing myself a big ole fat pity party.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Monday Musings: Why I Hate Goals

I'm not sure what it is about me and goals, but making them seems to be a good way for me to fail.

"My goal is to exercise three times this week." FAIL.
"My goal is to lose two pounds this week." FAIL.
"My goal is to get to bed early this week." FAIL.

Sometimes it is actually me that sabotages myself so I don't meet the goal. Sometimes life gets in the way and keeps me reaching the goal.

Either way, I know that it seldom all works out.

This week, I'm going to try something different. I'm going to take it one day at a time. No goals, just things I want to do. I'm going to have a to-do list with five things on it and work towards those five things. I'm going to make two or three of them weight loss plan related and two something else.

That's it. That's the plan.

My theory is that this way, if I fail one day I get a do-over the next without beating myself up.

Anyway, that's it for today. I have other things to tell you about (lunch with the in-laws for one) and some stuff I've been thinking about, but it will have to wait for another time. Right now, I have a list to make. :)