Friday, June 27, 2014

Blog Therapy: Back, Forward, or Stay in Place

Look! It's two blog posts from me in one week!

I mentioned the other day that I haven't been blogging because I haven't felt that I have had anything positive to say. Really, I still don't....but I have realized over the last couple of days that I have three choices here.

I can  move back into the normalcy of being stuck.

I can stay in this mental place where I am now (which is one of wishing for something better, but not truly wanting to do anything about it).

Or...

I can move forward even though it's kind of against my will right now...which means actually taking steps, making a plan and following the plan.

This line of thinking has all come about because I had my yearly ob/gyn visit the other day and my doctor commented (kindly)...."we've known each other a long time and you know I'm only thinking about your best interests...but...have you ever thought about having a by-pass?"

Strangely, this really didn't hurt my feelings...it did, however, make me realize something. My doctor has come to the conclusion that I don't have what it takes to lose weight on my own. The question is...is he right...or do I have it in me, but just don't want to make that kind of commitment?

Why am I stuck? And...I'm not just stuck with the weight...it's my whole existence. I'm holding on to something and I don't really know why.

Anyway, this isn't one of those blog posts that gets a nice tidy wrap up at the end. I'm just contemplating things and blog therapy seemed a good way to do it. Hopefully, I can speculate on some of this soon....

 




Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Why Yes...I am Still Here

First, I apologize for being MIA for over a month.

The truth is...I just haven't had anything to say...or rather...anything positive that is.

And...really...I still don't. Not about weight loss anyway.

I'm stuck. I'm like a hamster on a wheel and I can't seem to figure out how to get off. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again...well, then I can safely say I'm insane.

I guess I'm writing this today because I'm procrastinating about starting to write (the paid kind) and thought that maybe...just maybe...if I got my thoughts "out there" I could move past it and get down to business. (Those articles aren't going to write themselves...)

So here goes:

Yesterday, I was reading the emails from a Yahoo group I'm on. All of the people on there sell on eBay (or Amazon). One of the members made a comment about how she knew she should be blogging, but she couldn't figure out what she wanted to say. One of the self-proclaimed eBay gurus (who is part of the group) starts giving her some ideas and then some other people give her ideas, so I thought..."well, here's something I have a lot of knowledge about" so I gave her two or three ideas that I use. The member then comes back...gushes over the ideas of the guru...thanks the others...and totally ignores my comments. WTH?!

I realized at some point earlier today (part of the reason I haven't started writing) is that this seems to be an ongoing pattern in my life. It happens in person. It happens online. It's like I'm mumbling or something and no one hears me.

Then there's the walking buddy that I've talked about in the past. Over the past two months I have been helping her with some pet sits (I ran a pet sitting business in another life) and she hasn't forgotten to pay me, gave my sits to another sitter with a "I know you understand" and then claims to have no time to do anything with me, yet there are postings on Facebook where she and the third wheel (also from previous posts) continue to do this and do that. (Obviously, I'm the third wheel here...)

Anyway, between that and the way my mother's family has treated me (see old posts for that too), I finally realized that I am giving off some kind of vibe that tells people they don't have to respect me. Is this because I am overweight and don't feel good about myself? I don't know. You can't "see" me online, so you have no way to know what I look like...so what am I conveying that makes people treat me that way?

So there's where my thinking is today...thoughts?

Monday, May 12, 2014

Monday Mayhem: Why Not Just Do It?

I've got a doctor appointment for my blood-work this afternoon. I let myself get down to my last thyroid pill, so I've got to go in for my re-test in case the doctor needs to adjust the meds. I was kind of hoping to put it off until tomorrow, but I think getting it done today may be better. I'm kind of dreading it, however, because I suspect we'll go down the path of my blood pressure being high again. :-(

I realize I'm not taking care of myself and I'm just not sure what's up with that. Why not just do it instead of continuing to talk about it? I just can't seem to make a commitment to take care of me. I put everything and everybody ahead of myself. Not in the nurturing type way either...more of a "I'll get around to doing this for myself later..."

I suspect it's because I find the whole thing overwhelming. I also have a tendency to think that things have to be done perfectly or I have failed. Four days of great eating and one day of bad automatically means that I have failed for the week. Crazy logic right? Instead, I should look at that the week is a success because I had four great days, but my mind doesn't see it that way.

Anyway, we'll see what the doctor says and go from there.

Until next time~






Thursday, May 8, 2014

Thoughtful Thursday: 100 Happy Days

I just looked back and it appears that I haven't blogged here since April 25th. It's kind of been like another blog I started a while back - it just reached a point where I felt I didn't have anything to say, so...what was the point?

If you've been following this blog for any length of time then you know I go through these little cycles.

  • I'm ready to lose weight
  • I'm trying to lose weight
  • I'm stressed about trying to lose weight
  • I'm depressed about trying to lose weight
  • I'm "letting it go" and not trying to lose weight
  • I'm ready to give weight loss another try
While some would say this is all about a lack of will power or self control, or simply not wanting it badly enough...I would say that it has been more about an unhappy person who just hasn't felt that losing the weight would really make any difference.

Perhaps that is why I became kind of intrigued about: 100 Happy Days
 
It's a simple process really. Your suppose to take a photo of something that makes you happy each day for a 100 days. You then post the photo on the social media site of your choice (Facebook, Twitter, etc.) with the hashtag #100HappyDays.

I have to confess, this process hasn't been easy. I'm on Day 6 today and have resorted to taking photos of food twice already. But...I have to say...it is making me look for little things to be happy about. I realized that I love unusual cloud formations. I was also mesmerized by a completely cloud free blue sky the other day. Two very little things, but they oddly made me feel better about my life and the future.

Meanwhile, the weight "thing" continues to go from me wanting to get started with an actual plan to eating pie and ice cream for dessert after having a second and third helping of macaroni and cheese.

Strangely, my weight has come down a bit on its own and the other day I weighed 274 and this was without actually trying. 

Anyway, my thoughts are all jumbled again and I'm not sure where this post is headed other than saying that there is finally HOPE. It's a small flame right now, but it's there...so don't count me out yet.










Friday, April 25, 2014

Fatigued Friday: Taking Care of Myself

I'm tired.

It's not just a "I didn't sleep well last night" type of tired though, but a "bone-weary" type of tired where you begin to wonder if something is medically wrong with you. I've been that way most of the week and for a little while I was suspecting that maybe it was my thyroid again.

But then...

I tried to meditate a couple of days ago. It didn't go very well because as soon as I tried to quiet my mind...all these thoughts rushed in.

"You need to put the clothes in the wash machine into the dryer." My brain says.

"Shhh, we're trying to meditate." I reply.

"Yeah, well....I'm not going to do this for a full 10 minutes."

"We're only doing this for 5 minutes today."

"You know, this is really going to throw you off your schedule for today."

"It's ONLY 5 minutes."

"You really need to dust that table off over there."

"Quiet."

"Are the 5 minutes up yet?"

After about two minutes of that...I gave up and decided to try a relaxation exercise instead. THAT was when it hit me. I realized that I am in a perpetual "fight or flight" mode. My shoulders were squished up next to my ear lobes. My back was tight. My jaw was clenched.

I am a mess.

I have the feeling of walking on eggshells. I'm stressed about money. I'm stressed about my writing business. I'm stressed about this goose egg on my cheekbone that doesn't want to go away (I know the doctor said it would be a slow process, but I feel like a freak.). I'm stressed about never having any time to do anything and always feeling like I'm behind.

It's no wonder I'm tired all the time. I'm on stress overload.

So...today...I'm going to try something different. At six o'clock I'm going to try to find a Tai Chi or Qi Gong video on YouTube and try to do it. A friend has been doing it and says she is feeling a lot less stressed, so I'm going to give it a try.

I know things have to change or I'm going to end up in the hospital or worse. Self first...right? I just need to remember that.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Throwback Thursday: My Weight, Happiness, Childhood, and Beyond

I started to write about this last week, but I really couldn't get my thoughts clear on the subject, so wrote about something else instead.

I got a letter from my mother back on the 7th after she and I had exchanged some words the week before. As you may recall, my mother accused me of trying to manipulate her and steal her money after my Dad passed away and I tried to help her Execute his Will. Her family had her hire a lawyer and it got very messy. Words were said. Feelings were hurt. I finally walked away from all of it and have had little contact with my mother except for an occasional call where we always end up arguing.

I realize that my mother is not altogether there. Her family swears it's not Alzheimer's or dementia, but it's more than apparent that "not all of the crayons are in the box." She now says that she doesn't remember saying any of the things she said to me  and doesn't understand what is "wrong" with me. 

Where I am going with all of this is that she sends me a letter and basically states that she doesn't think that I'm a very happy person. My first thought was "duh!"....I mean, my mother basically told everyone I was a horrible person and turned my relatives against me...but I'm suppose to be happy???

As the days passed, however, and I pondered her letter...I had to ask myself if I am happy. Obviously, the immediate answer is NO...but...have I ever been happy? You know, I'm not really sure. I mean I've had happy moments, but a happy life? Not so much.

Growing up was a rough time for me because my Dad was drinking and my mother was (and still is) negative all the time. I've read books about living in this kind of family situation and it's often referred to as "walking on eggshells." I would say that is when I started turning to food for comfort, but I'm really not one of those kind of eaters. I just ate what I wanted and certain foods brought me happiness...or my version of it.

I gained some weight during my time at home, but I was young and active in high school and the weight came right back off. I was actually thin when I met The Hubby and then it all changed. The Hubby didn't want to get married. He wasn't ready for commitment. I had no self-worth. I waited. I waited some more. I also literally weighted. I gained five pounds and then 10 pounds and then 20...The number kept climbing right on up there and when he finally decided he would marry me...I was right at 165. 

I think some people go into marriage with the expectation that their spouse will change once the wedding rings are on their fingers, but the truth is....what you start out with...is what you get. The Hubby always had and still continues to put his mother first. He was passive aggressive before and he is passive aggressive now. My weight continued to climb. 170, 180, 190...eventually over the 200 mark and beyond.

I look back and I still wasn't eating for comfort and I say that because I don't really turn to food when things go wrong...I basically was just eating a lot when I did eat to stuff all those unhappy emotions down. I was, and still continue to show my unhappiness on the outside and I guess it is my form of control in an uncontrollable world.I say this because the people around me do what they want and I have somehow convinced myself that I am suppose to take it. My mother doing what she did. My relatives doing what they did. The Hubby and all the crap he has done and continues to do...

Anyway, where I am going with all of this is that ever since I got that letter from my mother...I have been thinking...I want a happy life. I want my outside to reflect my emotions on the inside and I think that starts with taking care of myself first, I know this ending is an incomplete thought here, but basically what I am thinking is that I need to practice self-love.

More thoughts on this as I discover how to do that....

Until next time...


Friday, April 11, 2014

Flake Friday: Procrastination and Perfection

I really have no clue what the title of this blog post means other than I am sitting here right now finding every excuse I can not to start writing (the writing that pays...anyway). I don't know why I am doing this other than I feel like the rest of the week has already been messed up....so....why try to make today a winning day?

Ironically, that's quite similar to my dieting and exercise attempts. Already messed it up for this day/week/month/year...might as well wait until tomorrow/next week/next month/next year. Strangely, I read an article that said that trying to be perfect is actually tied to depression. Apparently, people who aren't depressed are usually able to just kind of go with the flow, but people who are depressed hang on to the thought that everything must be perfect for them to succeed, which as you know rarely ever happens, so that feeds the depression....or something like that.

I really can't say that much has changed here other than the bruising on my face has lessened. The hematoma is still there and if you think you're subconscious (don't think that's the right word, but can't think of the word I actually want to use...) about your appearance when you're overweight...well, you can imagine how it feels to be overweight AND have a goose egg sitting on your cheek.

Anyway, there's a lot more on my mind right now, but I think writing about it today would just make this post more confusing than it really is. My mother sent me a letter that I want to talk about and there is an inkling of an idea of exercising again wandering around in my brain, so there's another whole blog post about that. For now...just know I'm still here and I am reading through everyone's blog even if I'm not always commenting.

Until next time....