Monday, December 15, 2014

Why yes...I am still here.

I think it is safe to say that I have thrown in the towel on the exercise and weight loss thing for the rest of the year.

I don't want to jinx it by talking about my plans for 2015, but let's just say that on January 5th - I do plan to get back on the wagon and make some things happen.

This year has been rough for me. My uncle moving my mother out of the state without telling me was I guess the proverbial icing on the cake.

...and...I've just realized I used three old sayings in my first three sentences, but...oh, well.

I'm not sure I will be blogging on here until January, but I did want to let everyone know that I am not closing up shop. Just lots of holiday stress going on around here along with the hubby being at home for the next few weeks since he had surgery a few days before Thanksgiving.

Anyway, hope everyone is doing well and if I don't get back on here - I hope everyone has a happy holiday season and I look forward to returning in the new year!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Talk Thursday: Stop Planning - Just DO It Already!

If I told you that I was a perfectionist and then you actually saw me and saw my would laugh and laugh, and think "Yeah, right!".

The truth of the matter though, however, is that I really do believe that things have to be 'perfect' for me to follow through with something. As an example, I want to commit to exercising three times a week (and then four and then five). When I looked at my schedule for this month and December though, I realized that what I wanted to do and the reality of how it would work out...weren't going to line up. first thought was..."well, maybe I should just wait until January to really get going with this"....because...then I could make sure nothing stopped me.

So...I started planning. 

"I'll go ahead and order myself some new gym clothes"
"I'll go ahead and call the gym to find out how much it's going to cost"
"I'll plan to schedule my workouts on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday."

What about the rest of this month and December? Oh...well...I'll just be...planning.

The thing is, I realized that then when January rolled around...if it didn't go perfectly...I would go straight off the rails. Screw up once, miss one workout

I'm not sure where this mentality comes from. I suspect that this is my mother rambling around in my head. "You're no good anyway, so why even try?"

As I sat there and studied my monthly planner (I still like to use planners even though I could simply keep it all on my phone), I realized that perhaps I needed to just work around the stuff that is going to come up. 

Yes, there will be weeks where I can only walk three times or maybe not at all, but do I really need to be inactive for two months so that I can have a perfect schedule to workout? Not to mention...something will come up in can almost bet your life on it. Things and sh*t happens. That's just the way life is. plan.

I'm just going to take each day on its own. If there's a way...I will walk. If there's not a way...then...I'll look at the next day.

I'll go ahead and get those clothes ordered. I will call the gym and see how much it costs to join. 

I'm going to quit planning and just DO IT ALREADY!

There will be no long as I continue to move forward.




Thursday, October 30, 2014

Talk Thursday: Fail to plan - plan to fail

After about a month of nice civil phone calls with my mother, last week was back to "normal" and my mother was at her hurtful best. She has "no reason" to move back to Georgia (umm, what about me?), the things that belonged to my dad were hers and she had every right to do with them as she wanted (my uncle cleared out her house and a lot of my dad's things are gone), and...when I told her that this entire thing (her moving, my uncle and his lies, etc.) had made my blood pressure go up, her comment was.... "well, have you lost any weight?"

There it was. That nice little slap in the face.

Where other mothers are usually supportive of their children, my mother knows just exactly what buttons to push to make me feel bad about myself. She wants me to fail. She wants to tell other people (and has!) that I'm overweight, that my house isn't perhaps as clean as it should be, that I am this or that. She doesn't sing my praise or tell others how proud she is of me. Instead, she looks for the negatives and pounces on them like a cat.

I realize that some people use adversity like this to rise up and show the person "oh, were you wrong about me!" Sometimes I can do that, but right now...right seems so much easier to be that overweight person with the house that isn't as clean as it should be. Right now, I want to wallow in my depression and eat macaroni and cheese while lounging on the couch.

But...I'm still trying.

I'm walking twice this week. I walked Tuesday and I'll walk today. Monday, Wednesday, Friday won't work because it rained yesterday and I'm going to the cemetery to visit my Dad (Halloween was OUR special holiday). So...two days it is.

On plan is to start getting up earlier and somehow pull all of it together. I'm going to try to leave the perfection out of it and just do the best I can. I'm also going to give myself a break from all the mother stuff. I'm not calling her for a few weeks and when I do --- it will be "how are you doing?" or "just checking in to see how you are." Short and sweet and no time for her to sharpen her claws on me.

Anyway, at least I have a plan. That's more than I normally do. I'll let you know how it goes.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Monday Musings: Procrastinating Big Time

About an hour ago I sat and planned my whole day out. But then...I needed to do just ONE THING and that was answer an email.

Somehow from that...I ended up on Facebook and I am.

So...I'll keep this short.

I successfully walked three times last week. Not as much as I need to, but it's a start.

I won't walk today. I painted the ceiling of the porch on Saturday and I'm still feeling it. The plan for this week is Tuesday and Thursday. Then...after the time change next week, I plan to start walking earlier in the day and work up to five days a week until it gets too cold. Hopefully, by then - I will have some workout clothes that I can wear to the gym and I plan to start going there.

So...that's the plan...for now.

I'm motivated.

I'm ready.

We'll see what happens next.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

I'm Walking...Yes, I AM!

I would like to say that I'm thrilled to finally be out walking again, but the truth is that I basically have to wrestle with myself and drag myself out the door to get me to go. This has been accompanied by a lot of whining and "Nnooooooo!"

But...I've done it.

Two days, in fact. I went on Monday and again yesterday. The first time, I did the 30 minutes but it included a lot of starting and stopping. I wasn't in the zone and I wasn't happy to be there.

Yesterday, the Walking Buddy went with me. This was a surprise because she usually finds a reason she can't go, but she had a lot on her mind and I guess she needed someone to talk to. So, we walked and she talked. I was out of breath at times, but I only had to stop twice, so am counting that as progress.

For this week, I decided I would walk Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I haven't figured out what days I will walk for next week. SparkPeople suggests three times a week as a minimum until you work your way up to five or six times per week. The main thing I see as an issue is my schedule, so this is something I will really have to look at and commit to.

Anyway, I've started. Now, the goal is to make this a habit I can stay with.

Until next time...

Image courtesy of [Sura Nualpradid] at

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Say Cheese

On two different occasions this week I attended a paint party. I painted pumpkins at one place and last night it was a Halloween painting. Both of these events were at the same place.

(long story short - one friend wanted to do the pumpkin painting and another wanted to do the painting on canvas)

After the painting part was over, the woman that owns the place wanted to take photos of all the participants.

Unfortunately, that's where I start getting weird. I think I've mentioned it before, but if not, I HATE HAVING MY PHOTO TAKEN.

I do not like how I look. I know my image is probably not as bad as what "I" see, but...what if it is?

Even in my thin days, I never thought I looked good in photos. There are maybe two shots of me where I think I look okay, but not great.

Now, whenever a photo of me is taken, I am mortified. I see the thick neck, the swollen face, the large arms. I immediately think of the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. At times, I think I even walk like the guy.

It's funny. I know a big part of weight loss is learning to love yourself. ALL of yourself. But...I don't. I know the inner voice in my head talks to myself like I am lower than low. Is this my mother from my youth talking to me? Where did this voice come from that tells me that I will never be thin enough. Pretty enough. Look good enough?

Anyway, I am sure the instructor wonders about me. I'm sure the other people there did too. I know it draws attention to "the problem" which is my weight, yet the idea of my image appearing on Facebook in my current state just mortifies me.

On Monday, if the weather cooperates, I will start walking. I made it the first priority on the list. I don't know if I will ever be happy about how I look in photos, but it does emphasis to me that if I am that embarrassed about my is time to change it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Talk Tuesday: The Moonlight Run

I am so not a morning person.

That is why when I discovered several years ago that there was a Moonlight Run close by to where I live, I thought it would be fun to run it. Note though --- that I said several years ago.

The years have come and gone and I have yet to have ever signed up for it. I was so sure that this year was going to be the year, but I'm so out of shape at the moment that I fear they would be calling an ambulance after I ran a few short feet.

The thing that really makes me upset about this, however, is that after years of telling a friend I wanted to do it - she ran it last year and didn't even tell me she was going to be doing it. Signed up for it with someone else. Then when I talked to her - she raved about how fun it was.

Yep, that's the kind of friends I seem to have.

Where I am going with this is that I am having a strong desire to start walking again and would like to get to a point where I can run...if I choose to. The problem is, however, that I can't seem to get my schedule to work where it's a possibility to go.

Yes, I could do it first thing in the morning, but go back up to the top and read my first sentence. I am NOT a morning person. I'm not going to bounce out of bed and go for a walk. In fact, if you watched me get out of bed - I would probably remind you of one of those zombies from "The Walking Dead."

(Pretend there's a zombie image here - I couldn't find one I liked that wasn't too creepy...)

This leaves me with the evenings or afternoons to walk. Which...I could do...if I could get my schedule and act together.


I'm going to try to do next week. I would say this week, but I have two commitments already and I know those would mess me up. I think at this point it has to be all or nothing and if I take the two outs I know I'll have to - I sabotage myself before I even get started.

So...for now...the plan is to start walking next week. I will put it on my schedule first and work everything else around it.