Wednesday, June 22, 2016

All I do is win, win, win...make that work, work work...

Can't really complain when business is going good, but I'm snowed under with work so exercise and clean eating have gone right out the window....not that it was really happening much before the work picked up...but...I'm just not even really able to think about it right now.

Hopefully, I can make it through this week and things will slow down next week. After that, I'm taking a week off and plan to do a lot of soul searching and thinking about stuff. Not going anywhere, but there are things to do around the house and I'm hoping for some "me" time. We'll see. I could tell The Hubby was suddenly considering taking time off too when I mentioned it. If he does, plans will probably all go out the window because it's kind of like having a little kid around, he's always in the same room and he gets "underfoot." Nine rooms in this house, but it seems like he, the dog and I are always in the same room at the same time.

Anyway, still here. Still stumbling along.

Until next time~

Monday, June 6, 2016

Monday Meanderings

It's time.

I know I keep saying that, but seriously...something has to give. I stepped on the scale this morning and 300 was looking back at me. Thankfully, I realized that the bathmat had worked its way under the scale on one side and I don't know what the deal was, but when I got it off of that and back on a flat surface, I was back around 293.5.

Not that 293.5 is a good number by any means, because if you have been following my blog for a while, then you know that I was holding around 282 almost all of last year. But...at least that got me away from the big scary number that I have been steadily inching up to little by little.

Initially, when I saw 300 though - it kind of made my heart stop though. I know, that if I ever get to where 300 is my new regular number, all hope is going to be lost. I will accept it and then 300 will become 302 and 305 and then 310...and...I just don't want to see that happen, which it will if I don't take action.

Although there are a lot of things that should be motivating me (better health,look better, etc, etc)...the one thing that IS kind of pushing me toward really doing something about this is the realization that next year The Hubby's niece is getting married. I do NOT want to be the biggest one there. I don't want to be in a panic about finding something to where and then ending up with something that looks awful one me, but is the only thing I can fit into. I don't want the subtle comments from her mother and I don't want to end up in wedding pictures looking old, fat and dumpy.

I don't know when the wedding is. I'm not sure if she has officially set the date because she has been very picky about where she wants the wedding venue, but it sounds like it will be a fall wedding, so that gives me about a year and three or four months to make this happen. Doable - right?

That would mean I would need to lose 8 pounds a month, which would be 128 pounds by next September. I would then weigh 165, which...ironically is my new goal weight after I did one of those weight assessment things that calculates what you should weigh based on age, height, etc..

Anyway, I haven't worked out all the details, but the plan is forming. Onward and forward.

Until next time~

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Thinking about it Thursday

Yes, I'm still here.

I realized when I looked back that I think I only blogged once or twice for May. Now, here we are in June and the year is half over. Where did the time go?

At the first of the year, I really thought I would be down about 50 pounds or so by now. 2 pounds a week, 8 pounds a months...should have had me at 48 pounds.

But...no.

Instead, I'm half a pound higher than where I started around January 1st. It is seriously depressing.

I haven't started back exercising and my eating still leaves a lot to be desired, but I can say that there is a small spark again that has me at least thinking about doing something. I guess that's a start - right?

Anyway, it's a song and dance I've done a million times before, but I am trying to figure it out. Do I do Weight Watchers again? Should I join a gym? Should I drive far and take Tai Chi? On and on...

Hopefully, when I report in again I will have finally made some decisions about what to try or what to do. Hope springs eternal, I guess.

Until next time~

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Talk about it Tuesday

I'm thinking that perhaps I should have said that I would not be blogging much because then I might have been on here all the time. Instead, my plans for using this blog for blog therapy hasn't exactly worked out as planned.

That doesn't mean that I haven't been thinking about things or trying to figure out a way to get myself back on track. I just haven't had the time or inclination to get on here an write something.

So - what's been going on in my world of fitness and weight loss?

I've managed to walk twice. I've gone from being able to do the whole big circle (at the park I like to walk at) to being able to do only the small circle, which is not quite a mile. My pace is like turtles wading through peanut butter. I'm slow and I could just kick myself for having to start all over yet again.

Meanwhile, I went to the doctor for my bloodwork to see how the thyroid was doing. He did a full blood panel, which (according to him) shows that I am pre-diabetic. He has said this before and then the next time - everything was fine, so I'm not sure whether there is anything to this or not. It did, however, make me think - maybe it is FINALLY time to start doing something about this weight.

Only...yeah, that hasn't actually started happening yet. 

It's not that my health is not important to me, but I'm still not making it a priority. I seem to place everything else ahead of it. I realize that is messed up, because without your health, what exactly have you got? But, I still find myself putting work in front of it and then finding excuses the rest of the time. Too tired. It's too cold. It's too hot. It's too close to dinnertime. I'm too hungry to walk.

I'm not exactly sure what has to happen to knock some sense in to me. I thought that hitting the big 3-0-0 might have scared me enough to make me take action, but while I sat up and took notice, it still hasn't been the catalyst that I need. I even thought that after having lunch with a friend of mine (who is heavier than I am) might do it for me after she sat there talking about all of her recently diagnosed health issues. She has everything from breathing issues to more serious heart issues. For a couple of days, I kept thinking --- "That is going to be you," but even that hasn't gotten me saying "It's finally time."

Anyway, still not giving up. I just...can't quite seem to make this weight loss thing a priority. I know I'm important enough that I should, but I'm just mentally not there yet.

Until next time~

Monday, May 2, 2016

Motivationaless Monday

Okay, so I was going to walk today and I managed to talk myself out of it. Life is just not going well for me and as the time went by and it got later and later - I kind of had a "what's the point?" moment and so...here I sit.

All is not lost. I'm not giving up, but there is no motivation here today.

None. Zip. Zero. Nada.

Meanwhile, I was reading an article this morning about the contestants from The Biggest Loser and how so many of them from Season 8 have not only gained the weight back, but added more weight than what they initially weighed. You can read the article here.

The article initially seems discouraging, but as some of the comments point out - the people on the show lost weight quickly and is that perhaps part of the reason for the slowed down metabolism (mentioned in the article). The positive part of the article is that they are stating the being overweight is a disease. It's not something that can just be controlled by eating less as so many people seem to want to believe.

Anyway, I'm still here even though my "blogging more" certainly did not come to pass. I really just need to quit saying I'm going to do something because as soon as I do - life throws everything its got at me and I fail.

So...until next time....


Friday, April 15, 2016

Frazzled Friday: Blog Therapy

I've been feeling like I need to talk to somebody for quite some time now. Unfortunately, when I tell this to The Hubby, he takes it as he should do a LOT of talking and not let me get a word in edgewise.

Today, is a good example because I (casually in passing conversation) said I was feeling overwhelmed. From there, he went on to tell me all these things about me (example - you don't have control over your time) as if I didn't already know it. I've tried endless times to tell him that what he says doesn't help. I just want someone to listen and let me figure it out. I don't mind advice and I even appreciate it, but he doesn't get that telling a person how he thinks they are (as if he could possibly know at all what I'm thinking) - doesn't do any good at all.

So....here we are...back at the blog again. As I mentioned in my last post, I think that maybe "talking" it out on my blog is a way to work through all of this, so I guess you can expect to start hearing from me more (unless I change my mind...Ha!).

One of the things I am trying to figure out is about how to get back exercising and stay that way this time. The problem I am having is that I believe I have to have a perfect week to make it happen. Example - I didn't feel I should walk on Wednesday because I already knew that I wouldn't be able to do it today. I didn't walk on Monday because it was cold and windy.

And yep...I know all of these are excuses. It's kind of like feeling you have to wait until the first of the week or the first of the month to start exercising so that things will be absolutely perfect. I also do this with food. No point in eating healthy on a Friday because you've already messed the week up and you know you're suppose to eat out tomorrow, so there's the excuse to eat something you shouldn't on Friday too.

But...I also know that what I am currently doing isn't getting me anywhere and is actually taking me in the wrong direction and to a bad place. I've weighed a few more times since my 300 pound scare and at times, I am right on up there. 296, 299, 299.5. 

At what point am I going to stop this? At what point am I going to say - "hey, that's enough!" Instead, I just accept and I rationalize and I remain miserable and depressed and I don't like myself very much.

And the funny thing is, that even knowing all of this - I still think in my mind that Monday is the day to try something (again). How funny it is, these thought patterns that we get ourselves into.

Anyway, no real answers here today other than the strong feeling that I need to do something. I need to take control of my life and get serious about the weight loss and the exercise and turning around all the other things that are going on for me that aren't going the way they need to. For now, however, I just need to really, really think and try to figure it all out.

Until next time~




Wednesday, April 13, 2016

The Big 3-0-0

There comes a time when you have to just say enough-is-enough and get over all the excuses. I think that for me, yesterday was that day. 

As I've mentioned before, my weight can fluctuate wildly from one day to the next and even from the morning to the night. On Monday, I weighed and I was at 289.5. Since I have been at 292 for the last few weigh-ins, I was actually kind of happy with this number. 

Yesterday, I awoke feeling bloated and could tell that I was retaining fluid. I stepped on the scale and it was at 294. I should have let it go at that, but last night I still felt like I must be retaining fluid, so I stepped on the scale just before bed.

303.5!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was still dressed, so I took off my shoes and sweatpants and tried it again. 301.5. 

Yep, I crossed over into the big 3-0-0. 

Now, I realize that this wasn't my true weight, but I have to say that was very sobering to see those numbers on the scale. As you can imagine, I weighed again this morning and was down to 294, so I know that was a fluke, but still...

I realize I am getting very close to that higher end of the spectrum. I "settled" when I hit the 200s and I've simply adjusted every time I hit another mini-milestone. 220s, 230s, 260s (I lived there for quite some time!), 270s, 280s (my most recent home) and 290s, which I have slowly been adjusting to as 292 has become my new "norm" number.  

I know I'm in trouble. I know this is THE wake-up call. I know I can blame everything and everybody or I can take action. 

It's hard though. You may think that I am, but I'm not sitting here eating junk all the time. I don't snack. The house isn't filled with chips and candy bars and sweet little treats. The calories come to me in more sneaky ways. Salad dressing for that healthy salad. Crackers to go with the salad and more crackers to go with Progresso light soup.  Reduced fat cheese that gets piled on skinless boneless chicken breasts. It's all those little things that are piling up the calories and the pounds.

I also just don't move enough. Most days, I'm like Jabba the Hut. I'm sedentary and I talk myself out of exercise. It's too hot. It's too cold. I don't feel good (a lot). I don't see the point in starting, knowing I'm going to fail yet again. I am...my own worst enemy.

Anyway, lots of thoughts swirling around in my head right now. I don't think that I'm going to say that I will do this or do that...except...I am thinking that maybe I need to blog more often. Maybe it would help to hold myself more accountable by posting here, or if nothing else, maybe blogging more would help me understand what is going on??? I don't know. I just know that what I've tried up to this point has not worked, so it's time to get real and figure it out. 

Until next time~