Friday, February 5, 2016

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Will Really Hurt Me

This has been a rough week for me.

There's been rewrites for submitted assignments, glitches with dashboards, and...a proverbial kick in the teeth that has served as a huge wake-up call. 

As you may recall, a couple of blog posts back I mentioned the conversation with The Hubby after I had worked on de-cluttering the bathroom cabinets and instead of an "atta girl!" or "it's looking good!" - I got all these comments about how he would have done things and how I start things and then don't finish them.

Well, that has really stayed with me. I mean - it's really bothered me. You see, there's two things here. First, he's right. I rarely do finish things. Weight loss, craft projects, cleaning projects, classes...I reach a point and either lose interest, don't have the time, or just get completely overwhelmed and then walk away from it.

The problem is though, I was really trying this time. Probably more so than ever before because it's one of the projects I'm working on as a goal in my coaching - to "have a clean and organized" house. I chose a small room as a starting point because it seemed like once it is complete - I can move on to a bigger room, knowing that this one room is completely done. That means everything from throwing out-dated medications and hair products away to new drawer liners.

Unfortunately, instead of building me up - The Hubby's words really got to me. I should have thicker skin and an "I'll show him" attitude, but this week I just kept slipping into a darker and darker place. Yesterday, he asked me how I was sleeping and after telling him that I wasn't sleeping well - all of this came out. I told him how much what he said bothered me and how I needed him to apologize for saying it. 

Now, you would think that if someone said "you know, what you said really hurt me," you would say "well, I didn't mean to do that - I'm sorry." But...no. Nope, not even after I said that I needed him to apologize - he just repeated that he hadn't ever seen anything to make him think any different - that I "start these projects, but never finish them."

And...somewhere in there I realized. This is not a person who wants to build me up, but they certainly have no problem tearing me down.

I've been told before that my relationship with The Hubby is emotionally abusive. I guess I don't classify it as that because there's no yelling or swearing, or hitting, or anything that I associate with abuse...but passive-aggressive...yeah...he's all over that.

Where I'm going with all of this is that I'm wondering if my weight...my appearance...has made him feel that he can treat me this way. I was reading a blog post earlier written by a woman who has gone through an abusive relationship and because of her self-esteem issues with the weight, she was in a series of bad relationship before and after that where she allowed the abuse to happen until she started realizing she was someone worth taking care of. I'm starting to think, perhaps I'm actually in something a bit similar here. I don't know if it's "abuse," but it's certainly not the way one person should treat another.

Anyway, guess that's my "ah-ha" moment or light-bulb moment for the week. I haven't worked it all out in my mind, but I think I am on the right track as to why my weight loss efforts have failed. Perhaps, this realization is what I've been needing. I don't know, but I know I am finally ready to start moving forward.

Until next time!  

Friday, January 29, 2016

Frazzled Brain Friday

Writing for a living is a funny thing. It's either feast or famine and usually there is nothing in between.

For the first few weeks of January, I have had very little work, which has been nice (though not on the pocketbook) because I've had so many other things going on.

This week, however, I picked up some good paying article writing work...but...still have all this life stuff going on. So now...

...my poor brain is frazzled.

The really sad part is, this was going to be the week that I was going to start trying to walk. It is cool out, but the sun has been out and if I layer well, I think I would be okay to walk outside. Instead, I've had deadlines and revisions and a lot of the "life" stuff continuing and I've gotten nowhere.

The good news is, however, I have started working with the life coach. I think I mentioned this a few posts back. We (the group, students, or whatever we are...) have been doing exercises and filling out paperwork for the last two weeks. Identifying our goals and stuff like that. We're suppose to start implementing the goals next week, so should be interesting to see how it all works.

As I've mentioned before, I don't tend to do well with goals. I set them or say them and then life buries me under a dump truck load of lemons, but....what I've been doing hasn't worked, so time to try something else...again.

Anyway, one of the goals is about taking control of my health, so it will be a priority and one of the top goals. Keep your fingers crossed that this is what I have been needing. Nothing else has worked, so kind of feel like it's my last shot at getting it together.

Until next time~

Monday, January 25, 2016

Rah, Rah, Sis Boom Bah...

I've been sitting here trying to decide whether or not to blog today. I say this because yesterday I posted a couple of comments on Facebook about how my day was going and I just needed to vent and instead I got all of this unsolicited advice.

And...I really did not need that. Really, I just wanted to say that I was having a crappy day, my feelings were hurt and I was just tired of my life, but instead I was told I needed to take a stand for myself and all this other stuff and...well, it just wasn't what I was looking for at the time or needed to hear.

So...I'm not sure whether to talk about it here or not...but...it's all still on my mind, so I guess I will. Keep in mind, I don't want to hear that I need to stand up for myself or tell The Hubby to f*ck off...I just need to get it out there. Blog therapy, if you will...

This year, I am trying to do some stuff that has needed to be done for several years now. Not only am I trying to get serious about my weight, my health, etc., I am also trying to get my house in order. As I've mentioned before, my house cleaning skills are not the greatest and although I'm not a hoarder, we have a lot of stuff that needs to go.

One of the areas that has been bugging me is the master bathroom. It had reached a point where when you opened the doors to the part that is sort of half linen closet/ half medicine cabinet, stuff was constantly falling out.

So, I decided that was a good job to tackle on Saturday, since it was freezing outside and while we weren't exactly snowbound (didn't get but about half an inch), there wasn't really a reason to need to get out of the house to go anywhere.

I guess I spent about three hours (more or less) working on this project. I tossed many outdated products that we had accumulated, moved shelves up and down, gave everything a good wiping down and straightened up what was left.

Later, when I went downstairs, The Hubby asked what I had been doing. I started describing it to him, but could tell that he wasn't understanding what I had done (moving the shelves and such), so I said "well, just come up and look at it."

BIG mistake.

Instead of an "atta girl" and a "good job," he starts opening all the drawers to the bathroom cabinets (which I had not worked on) and starts talking about how there would be all kinds of storage space in the bathroom if a lot of that stuff was thrown out. And I said that I hadn't started working on that yet.

Then, somewhere in this conversation, he starts saying that he would have done it differently and that I always start on projects and then don't follow through on anything. And...it was at that point...that I realized...

it's never going to be enough.

Instead of celebrating the small victories with me, he is always going to look for the big picture. As of yet, also an unobtainable one. This goes for my weight, my ideas of organization, my income and everything else. I just don't...measure up.

Anyway, I know his comments don't define me. I know I am better than that. I know I can do it and show him that I can. It's just....I shouldn't have to. I guess that's what it bothering me. The one person, who should be my real cheerleader...isn't.

And that makes me very sad.

Until next time~

  




Monday, January 18, 2016

Meh Monday: At the Precipice

So...here we are. The month of January is half over and I continue to stay on my course of inertia, or rather, there is still nothing changing.

Well, that's not exactly true.

I went to the doctor last week because I needed my thyroid medication renewed and he wouldn't give me another prescription until I made an appointment. As it turned out, rather than draw my blood and draw it again in a month or so, he decided that I would get one renewal and then he wants to do a wellness physical, which will include an EKG, full blood panel, etc..

Okay, so...I'm fine with that...but...while there...they checked my weight. At home, I've been weighing anywhere between 289 and 292. Last Thursday, according to their scale...I was sitting right at 299.

Yep, one small pound away from hitting the 300 mark.

Let me say that again --- the 300 mark.

THREE HUNDRED.

That's a 100 pounds times 3.

How is that even possible? How did I let that happen? One single pound away from the big 3-0-0.

Now, you would think that this would be THE wake up call...right? And...I guess in a way it is because I'm most certainly aware of where my weight is at now, but I think I went through the rest of last week in denial. I mean...I don't feel like I weigh almost 300 pounds. Not most days anyway. Sure, there are a lot more aches and pains and getting up stairs is getting harder and I'm out of breath and my jeans are fitting tighter, but almost 300 pounds just doesn't even seem real.

I know it's time to do something. Really, I do.

It just seems so hard to make that commitment, to stick to it and DO IT.

BUT...I don't want to go over that precipice. I don't want to read 300 on the scale. I don't want to go up another jeans size and another shirt size. I need to draw the line.

I said before that I wasn't going to say that I'm doing something...but maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I need to figure this out and whatever I'm going to do - I need to make it work.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I'm scared. I'm worried and I'm depressed. BUT, I am going to make myself move forward and do something about this. I have to.

 

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Resolutions and Revelations

I've started writing this post a couple of times over the last few days. I feel that I should writing something inspiring, motivational, or at least tell you that I've turned over a new leaf. For the first five days of January, however, I guess you could say that things are about the same as when I last checked in.

Well, not completely, I guess...

Over the holidays I read something on Oprah's page that really resonated with me. I wish I had actually copied the exact wording and kept it, but I didn't. It went something like this though:

If you focus on your weight - you will gain weight because the universe is only paying attention to what you are focusing on. If you focus on good health, however, and don't worry about the weight - the pounds will start falling off because the universe accepts your intention for good health.

And after I read this, it was like...

::::mind blown:::

This explains a lot of what I've been thinking, especially about Weight Watchers. When I focus on the weight, I start thinking about food and being deprived of the food and how it's not fair or right that others can eat what they want, but I can simply look at a piece of pie and I put on the pounds...and I'm hungry all the time and I resent the plan.

Step back and look at it as moving toward better health, or rather, eating more healthy and I don't think about being deprived. Instead, I start looking at ways to have the foods I want, but in a healthier way. Example - have the pie, but a smaller piece than what I normally would...

Anyway, I wanted to be "there" by the 1st, but I haven't quite made it. I'm close. I feel that. I am collecting data. I am thinking about how to approach my intentions for better health...I'm thinking about the steps I need to take for a better life. In fact, I've joined a coaching program that will not only help with my writing, but my life in general. So...it's happening...I'm just taking the longer road to get to it. 2016 IS my year though! Let's do this!!!!

Until next time~



Thursday, December 17, 2015

Thoughtful Thursday: Should auld acquaintance be forgot...

This may (or not) be my last post for this year.

I'm finishing my writing (work) for the year today and then am officially on hiatus until January 4th. Next week, is going to be pretty crazy as I try to get the last minute stuff done (example - there are still no decorations on the tree...), finish shopping (few gifts left to buy) and (most importantly) try to get myself into the holiday spirit.

The following week, The Hubby is planning to take off and I kind of doubt that I will even have the laptop on during that time...but we'll see.

I'm not happy with the way I'm ending this year. I weigh more than when I began. I don't think I met any of my goals for this year. If anything, I fell further behind than when I even started.

I could analyze all of this to death, but the truth is...I just wasn't committed to losing weight this year. I don't think you can commit to something when you resent that you are having to do it. It's been like "one more thing" on a crowded list of things I need/should/want to do and so, of course, it more often than not, came in last.

I'm going to do some soul-searching over the next couple of weeks. I'm not "okay" with my weight. I know there are a 100 health problems headed my way if I continue on this path to the big 3-0-0 (which I seem to be creeping up on little-by-little). I know I don't like looking and feeling this way. Yet...it hasn't been important enough for me to do something about it and I don't know why.

So, I guess that is the question...why has it not been important? 

Anyway, in case I'm not back on here until next year - I wish you a Merry Christmas or Happy Holiday (if you celebrate Yule, Kwanzaa, or another way) and look forward to continuing the journey with you in 2016.

Until next time~ 






Tuesday, December 8, 2015

The Wonderful World of Weight Watchers and the New Plan

As you know, I have struggled with Weight Watchers ever since I started it again (for the gazillionth time) back in March. While others have tried it and succeeded with staggering losses, I have continued to see my weight slowly, but steadily continue to creep upwards.

I started at 284 and for this weigh in...well,  I hit 293. Worse than that, a visit to the doctor had me at 296...a "total slap in the face" number and one that had me realizing that I have been in some serious denial here the last  few several months.

I had hoped that the new Weight Watchers plan might be my salvation, but it's going to take some serious adjusting for me to even think about trying Smart Points. The majority of my "go-to" foods went up in points and my daily points went down, so....uh, yeah...not happy about that at all.

Anyway, I'm working through all of it in my mind. What to do and how to do it. I will have a plan in place by January, but what it will be is anyone's guess.

Regardless...still here.  Still trying.

Until next time~