Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Talk Tuesday: Meh....

If you have followed my blog for any length of time, then you know that my life goes around in little circles. I head out with a plan, but it's not too awfully long before I end up right back where I started.

This seems to involves every aspect of my life.  From my weight to my career to my marriage to my house. It's like I'm moving, but I'm not really getting anywhere.

As an example, the other day I mentioned how I stopped using the Bi-Pap and lost 10 pounds. Well, yesterday I weighed and the 10 pounds had made its way back. :-(

Meanwhile, The Hubby is having one of his little high-horse moments and it's like "here we go again," on that too. For some reason, he always picks the time when I am feeling my absolute worst to decide it's time for one of these episodes. This particular time I had been fighting a migraine for two days. He decides that he is going to move this table that had been put into the living room so I could work on my eBay stuff (a place to photograph things, store stuff I'm selling, etc.).

I was upstairs and when I came down, the table was gone and my stuff was stacked up in the middle of the living room. Now, there are a couple of things to be said here. First, the table was put there as a temporary situation. Second, I haven't worked on eBay in a couple of months, so nothing was moving off the table. BUT...the fact that he would pick that exact moment to do this when he knew I wasn't feeling well and he knew I wasn't downstairs to have a say in the matter --- THAT part really pi**ed me off. And yeah...I know. There are some serious issues here that need addressing, but I'm not in a position to take that on right now, so do know that I am aware it's not a healthy environment, but only I can change it - and we will leave it at that.

Moving on...so, let's talk about my weight. I am still looking at the book Always Hungry. I am this ::-:: close to trying it, or at least some version of it. Yet, I can't quite pull the trigger. I am very much like the tree at the moment. I just don't seem to be able to move on it.

I think that I am just going to have to jump in and make a bunch of changes all at once. This putting my big toe (see how I tied that into my blog - ha!) into the water to see whether I want to go all in, just doesn't seem to be working for me - at all. Perhaps, I need to overhaul my schedule, clean out my cupboards, do or die with the exercise and simply just get out of my own way.

Anyway, I'm not at that "rah-rah" moment of my little circle, but I am tired of things the way they are. Perhaps for now, I just need to go with that and try to move forward.

~Until next time

Friday, August 19, 2016

Finish Line Friday: A Big Surprise

Well, this morning I had a bit of a surprise.

Last night, was the first time in a long time that I wasn't wearing either a CPAP or a Bi-PAP. As you may recall, I have been in a dilemma about trying to keep the Bi-PAP or return it. I haven't been able to wear it as long as I should each night and I would have been forking out between $1500 to $1800 for something that I have not been getting full use out of.

In the end, I decided to take it back. I am evaluating my options now and will either a)try the CPAP again (which I already own), b) purchase the bi-PAP online (where it is much cheaper), c) continue on without it for a while.

Now comes the surprise part. I got up this morning and although I was tired, I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. The surprise part came a little later, however, when I stepped on the scale and had lost.......

10 POUNDS!!!

I have read about and felt I was experiencing what is known as CPAP bloat, but my doctor kept telling me that wasn't possible. For the first time in a long time though, I also realized that my fingers aren't swollen. I weighed 295 on Monday. 299 on Wednesday. And today....289. I was below 290. I just don't even know what to think.

Meanwhile, I thought I would share a photo from My Virtual Mission that I thought was kind of cool. When I put in my miles for the day on Tuesday, I was on this bridge. If you could do a 360 of the photo, you would see that there was water on two sides and a car coming up behind me. It was really neat.

Anyway, kind of nice to have some positive news coming from me for once, ey!? I'm going to try to build on that 10 pound "loss." It might not have been earned from hard work and good food choices, but I'll take it!

~Until next time

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Random Thought Wednesday

This is another one of those blog posts where I have several topics in mind, but not sure which one to go with. Instead of trying to choose one, I'm just going to go with another random thought blog post.

Here goes:

Exercise: I actually walked on Saturday. Yay, me! The Hubby and I went to the park where I like to walk at did a mile on what I call the small circle. Actually, it was half the circle. We walked to where the road crosses over in the park and then back to where we came from. We had to go a little further in the other direction because my FitBit said 0.96 when we returned. I was hot, I was tired, but I decided with it being that close, I would give it a try. In the end, we had walked 1.03 miles by the time we got back to the car. Not bad for someone who has done very little exercise this summer!

My Virtual Mission: I ran out of my free trial period where I got to see the "sites" for free, so I ended up paying for six months of the Premium version. With the free version, all you see is your route and how far you have walked. With the Premium version, you get to keep seeing the photos and what the weather is where you're "at."

I love this App! I will say, however, that I was a little miffed with customer service. I suspect that they don't really monitor things on the weekend. MVM was offering a 50% off sale if you upgraded to Premium before the end of the weekend. That meant you could get six months for $3 or a year for $6. The problem is I couldn't see the sale on my laptop. I could only see it from the App on my phone. I wanted to pay with PayPal and it wouldn't give me the discount. If you pay through the App, you had to pay through iTunes, which I didn't really want to do (just personal preference on this).

On Saturday, I sent a message to MVM and asked them about this. They replied on Sunday morning that I should be able to pay on the computer and still get the sale price. Only...nope, still couldn't do it. I sent another message and never heard another word from anyone. I started running out of time to get in on the sale, so finally decided to purchase on iTunes, but I was not happy about it. So...I only got six months instead of a year. I'm sure they aren't going to cry over losing those three additional dollars, but I had a problem and they didn't fix it. Other than that though, quite pleased with the App and it is most definitely making me get more steps in to get those miles. I enjoy seeing where I am "at" and I like knowing all those steps I'm taking actually have me going "somewhere."

Always Hungry - Book: Okay, so I haven't started the plan, but I am studying the book. I don't think it is a 100% doable for me because Dr Ludwig's (author) breakfasts and lunches are very time consuming and each day you are eating something different. I am okay with eating something different for lunch, but I like to eat the same thing for breakfast day in and day out, so I can't see me doing this. Plus, he has some odd breakfast choices...salmon with dill sauce for one.

BUT - there are other parts of the plan that I think I can do. The dinner recipes don't sound too bad and his idea is that you take part of the dinner from the night before and this becomes your lunch. As an example, you have chicken for dinner. The leftover chicken then becomes the staple portion of your lunch. So if you had chicken curry for dinner, you would take the remaining chicken and make a chicken wrap for your lunch.

The best part of this plan is that you don't count calories. Instead, you use a scale to determine how hungry you are. Once you meet the higher range of the scale, you stop eating. The plan also allows for a desert every night and he gives you options for eating out. It's really more lifestyle changes than anything, but I think that I needed to see it all written down. I'll let you know more as I dig a little deeper into it.

Bi-Pap: This was mentioned in my last post, so here's what I've decided. I am going to return the bi-pap tomorrow. I'm not wearing it enough to justify paying the money they want me to pay through the doctor's office to buy it. Instead, I'm going to be on the lookout for one online. I found two over the weekend that were less than half the cost of what the doctor's office would charge, but...I waited too long and the sales had ended when I looked again on Monday.

So for the moment, I'm going to drag the cpap back out and try to use it to fill-in until I find a bi-pap for a better price. If you're wondering what the difference is. A cpap just blows constant air to help keep your airway open. The bi-pap adjusts when you breathe in as to when you breathe out. Much easier for me to wear the bi-pap, but I'm still taking it off in my sleep and not getting nearly enough time with it on. (They want a minimum of four hours per night and I'm getting about two right now)

Water: Almost forgot! I bought a new water bottle. It has the water measurements on the side. It goes up to 20 ounces. I originally was going to get one of those ones that has the times on it, but realized that since I am so anal, I would get frustrated if I didn't get to start drinking water until 10 a.m. and the time started at 7 or 8 a.m.. I like the new bottle (I'll get the name of it for next time) except that when the water is in it. It's hard to see where you are in the ounces. The water is clear and the numbers are clear...so you can imagine!

~Until next time

Friday, August 12, 2016

Frazzled Friday: An incredibly bad week

This is one of those weeks that makes you want to run off to a deserted island somewhere and just hide from the world. It has been one kick-in-the-teeth after another after another. Here's the recap:

I am part of a group that meets for "game night" ever so often. We typically play board games like Taboo and Trivial Pursuit. I was brought into the group by my friend, who I have referred to in the past as the Walking Buddy. As you may recall, she brought another friend to walk with us (who is also part of the game night group), who had this odd little habit of walking in a way that I had to walk behind the two of them.  I called her "the Third Wheel."

A while back - the two of them went to a comedy club. WB told me how much fun it was and that the next time they decided to go, she would make sure to invite me. Well, this past weekend they went again. Not only was I not asked to go, they apparently asked another member of the game night group AND a new member of the game night group that joined after I did. Was I invited? No. Nope. Not a word was said.

Now, I realize that since TW and I don't get along too well that if I had been invited and gone, I would have not really enjoyed it. BUT - it sits bad with me that I wasn't at least even asked if I would like to go. This has just sat and gnawed at me all week. Obviously, I would probably do best to just write WB off and not put myself through this kind of stuff, but when it is just her and me doing something, we actually have a really great time.

I got a call from the OB/GYN office. My Pap Smear came back inconclusive. I have to retest in a few months. "Nothing to worry about," the nurse said. BUT - well, you know I am worrying about it. Not only is the yearly Pap Smear once of the worst things in the world for me to do, but now I have to redo it AND there is the bigger question of WHY it was inconclusive....

Went to the sleep doctor. I have been renting a bi-pap machine. I now either have to give it back to them or make plans to purchase it from them. Since I'm not 100% in compliance, The Hubby doesn't think I should spend the money for something I'm not wearing enough. The way he has been wording this thought to me is basically, "why spend money on something when you know you are going to fail with it anyway..." So...there I sat...the Big Fat Failure....

Spent better part of day on phone with insurance company trying to figure out what is covered if I do get the bi-pap machine. After that, I realized I had gotten an email from my cousin. I had asked her if she could find out for me who my mother sees as an eye doctor. I am thinking of getting my mom a therapy light to try to help with her Sundowners, but discovered that the therapy lights can cause problems for people with cataracts and it is best to discuss it with their doctor first.

My cousin asked my other cousin (who is part of the family that moved my mother out of the state without telling me). My cousin writes me back and copies a response from the other cousin that basically said "(to cousin) I'm sure you can understand why I don't want to say who the doctor is that (my mother) is going to." Well, maybe my cousin understands, but I certainly don't. I'm trying to help my mother and the family just keeps treating me like dirt.

So...here I am today. I feel like the whole world is against me. Up until yesterday, I was continuing to try to keep the miles going on My Virtual Mission, but last night...I just forgot and really started thinking...what exactly is the point?

The Hubby is more worried about cost than he is worried about me dying from sleep apenea.
The deal with the Pap Smear is at the back of my mind attached with the "C" word and "what if that is why they said inconclusive???..."

I tried to help my mother and I have been paying for it ever since. Not one single person from the family has bothered to talk to me to hear my side of the story. They all just treat me like I am some awful horrible person. Add that to not being invited to the family reunion and it drives home that no good dead goes unpunished.

I don't know what to do about the bi-pap. Obviously, I need it. But if I get it and can't wear it, well then...The Hubby gets to hold one more thing over me. I begin to wonder if dying in my sleep really would be such a bad thing....

and there it is...my current state of mind....

~Until next time

Monday, August 8, 2016

Monday Musings: Still in Virtual Aberdeen

So...there have been a few developments since Friday.

First, a little while ago, I rode the stationary bike. I only did five minutes because I am waiting to see how my knee does, BUT for sedentary me - this is progress!

Second, I bought the book "Always Hungry?  by Dr. David Ludwig. I haven't started reading it yet, but after spending over an hour in the diet/health book section at the bookstore, I kept coming back to this one. I liked it because it doesn't have you tracking or counting calories and most of the recipes seemed like something I would actually eat. I'll let you know how this goes as I start reading it.

Third, I'm concentrating on moving more this week. I am not sure if I mentioned it, but I have been having a lot of leg pain at night. Did some online medical diagnosis reading and came to the conclusion that I have "vascular disease," which my doctor more or less pointed out at my exam last week (except he didn't say "vascular disease") when he commented on my spider veins and varicose veins. A few things I read were to make sure to get up and move around more if you have a sedentary job (like writing!) and that exercise was the key to controlling it.

Finally...I'm still stuck in Aberdeen in MY VIRTUAL MISSION. I'm about 6.5 miles behind where I should actually be. This seems to be a common theme for me. I'm almost always last in the FitBit challenges and now I'm behind in my own "mission." I see the need to change. It's just making this all a habit and doing it that I tend to struggle with. Maybe the 3842 times the charm!

~Until next time 

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Random Thoughts Thursday: Weight, Doctors and Exercise

There's so many different ways to write this blog post today. I finally decided I will just do a random thoughts post, which means this post will be about a little of everything that is currently on my mind. (weight wise anyway...)

My weight: The good news is that when I weighed in on Monday, I had a four pound loss, bringing me to 291.5. The bad news is that yesterday the weight was back and it brought some friends. My official weigh-in at the doctor's office was 302.5. :-(((((((((((((((((

I weighed 299 at the house, so yeah, that number was probably about right. It really isn't that unusual for me to lose and gain weight that quickly. If I have anything salty at all I retain water. I would normally say something here about this being my wake-up call...yadda...yadda...yadda, but I think at this point I am really aware of the situation and what I need to do.

The doctor visit: Yesterday, it was time for that annual visit to the doctor that all women hate. I feel quite certain that if men had to go through getting a pap smear, there would be a way that we could just take a sample at home and mail it in. Yeah, I know that men have the prostrate exam, but they aren't spread eagle while it happens.

Enough talk of that though. The part I do want to talk about is that my doctor didn't even bring up the elephant in the room (that elephant being ME). I knew what he was thinking and he knew that I knew what he was thinking. "You are the biggest you have ever been since you have been coming to see me."

He never really has any advice to give over the "eat less, move more." But...he did bring up that my legs are looking really bad (spider and varicose veins) and that basically the weight wasn't helping them. He asked me if they hurt and suddenly it clicked together for me as to why my legs have been hurting so much ever since we painted the kitchen. I was thinking I overdid it. I think that instead, I am having some vascular issues. Not bad enough to see a doctor, but if I don't get moving and get the weight off, that does appear to be where I'm headed for in the very near future.

Inspiration: I don't know if other people do this, but I always get inspired when I see (in a magazine) or read a post (on Facebook or blog) where someone who is my size (or a little bigger) has found a way to lose the weight. They have already been on the journey that I need to take. They found the key to it and it makes me think that if they can do it, then I can too. I found one of those people this morning.

A woman who started at 345 and has lost 145 pounds. She started by simply walking and then got a FitBit and started doing 10,000 steps a day. I seem to average about 2,500 steps a day (when I think to wear the FitBit). Do we see the problem here? This week, I am in another FitBit challenge and, as usual, I am at the bottom of the group. This time there was an "ah-ha" moment. I am just not moving enough.

Yes, the amount of calories I am eating are a part of the problem too, but what she said there made a lot of sense too. She tracks her food and knows that if she wants to eat something, she has to work for it. Part of my problem has always been that I feel deprived if I can't have what I want. She figures in the "splurge" at the beginning of the day, then works it out where she knows she gets the exercise in to cover it. She also has a couple of cheat days each month, where she has the pizza, the beer, the chocolate.

My Virtual Mission: So far, I have traveled about 8.5 miles this week. I'm "behind" on my mission. It too drives home the point that I'm not moving enough. I am the underdog, but I do nothing to change it. Doing this, however, is making a difference. I am keeping my FitBit on and I am becoming aware (again) of the steps. Next week, I will add in the stationary bike. My right knee is bothering me and I am pet sitting this week at a house with a lot of stairs, so I just don't think it is wise to combine the too. Instead, I am just trying to add steps. I did successfully make it to 5,000, so I think I am off to be good (albeit slow) start.

Inspiration two: And finally...I realized I did not tell you about the encounter with the SIL on Friday. I was standing in line at the post office and could feel someone watching me. Looked up and it was the SIL. This is the one with the daughter that is getting married next year. Well, the SIL has lost a ton of weight since the last time I saw her. I am now probably twice as big as she is. I'm sure she loves it. If nothing else can get me moving - this should be what does it. The idea that I will be the largest person at the wedding, just mortifies me. I don't want to be in the "family of the bride" photos looking like this. I have a year. I CAN do this. I just have to decide that I want it bad enough!

~Until next time

P.S.The photo is where I am on my mission. The scenery hasn't changed  much so far, but I should be crossing some water soon! :-)

Monday, August 1, 2016

Monday Musings: My mission - Grayland, Washington to Tuscon, Arizona

On Friday, I mentioned that I was attempting to do My Virtual Mission, but was having trouble getting my route to load. My initial plan was to start at Pacific City, Oregon, then cruise down to Tuscon Arizona and onto Gloucester, Massachusetts.

Unfortunately, I never could get that route to load. I finally just picked a spot on the West Coast and then picked another spot in Tuscon, figuring that when I get that far I can then start another mission and go from Tuscon up to Gloucester.  As it turned out, I ended up starting in Washington instead of Oregon, which was a bit of a disappointment, but still seeing some pretty sites, so I think it will be okay.

The reason for this initial route is that The Hubby and I have been considering moving to Oregon (not yet serious, but the conversation does come up every now and then), I have a relative in Tuscon, and Gloucester is one of my favorite places in the world. 

The image is where I stopped at last night. So far, I've made it about three miles (lol), but I wasn't planning to officially start until today so that's okay. I'm starting with a very simple 2.5 miles per day, which I hope to increase very soon. The miles are coming from my FitBit and so far has basically just been indoor walking.

Next week, I will probably start riding my stationary bicycle but I am pet sitting this week and finding the time to put that into the mix would just set me up for failure. Instead, I'm going to aim for the 2.5 and then adjust next week.

Anyway, I haven't quite figured out how all of it works yet, but I think I will enjoy the process once I work all the kinks out. I think you are suppose to be able to follow my journey on the website, but I haven't figured out how to set that up, so for now I'll just try to do updates on here.

~Until next time