Failure is such a harsh word.
As I sit here this morning, I first want to say that I don't think of myself as a failure (or at least not a complete one), but I realized this morning that I am no where near where I want to be in my life. As I think back at all the wrong choices I made or rather....perhaps...the choices I didn't make....I wonder how I let myself get to this point.
How is it...that I have thought so little of myself all these years that I let myself balloon up to 280 pounds? How is it that I have ended up in a relationship with a man who knows his wife isn't happy, but is more concerned with how changes would affect him than help fix the situation? How is it that I continue to go to bed too late --- get up too late and then kick myself because the day is slipping away before I even get started?
I don't know where I am going with this other than to say that nothing in my life is working right now.
Not one d*mn thing.
Next week, I will have a birthday and instead of looking back at all my accomplishments, I am instead seeing all the failures. Failed businesses. Failed job pursuits. Failed attempts at weight loss. Failure to successfully run my own writing business. Failure to fix my messed up marriage.
I want a do over.
I want to go back in time and make different choices and I want things to turn out differently. Only...I know you can't do that (or if you can - I haven't been let in on the secret). So....where do I go from here? I know things don't have to stay this way, but I'm not talking about fixing a few areas in my life that I need to work on, I am talking about the entire enchilada. The whole thing. I honestly don't have one thing in my life that is the way I want it right now (other than owning the puppy that I got and I am seriously doing him a disservice by not keeping him on any kind of schedule).
Anyway, I usually say on Fridays that I am going to take the weekend and figure things out, but I think this may take longer than that. I know I can change things, but how do you do it when you need a complete and total life makeover? Where do you even begin?
I don't know, but something has to give.
I understand.
ReplyDeleteLook forward, not back. Look forward and imagine your birthday ten years from now. What will you want to have happened? Imagine ten years from now, wanting a do-over of the past ten years. You HAVE that do-over right now! Then next ten years you CAN make new choices, so that instead of wanting a do over in a decade you will be so glad you made the changes.
One change at a time, but don't stand still. Take a step. You can do this! And happy birthday :)
I totally get it! My main problem is peri-men which has caused me to gain over 100 pounds since it began 2 years ago! I have tried everything that I "used" to do that always worked for me before to lose weight ~ not happening!!! I try to exercise but lack of energy due to depression certainly does not help the matter. I have decided to PUSH myself to exercise 10-15 minutes a day because Mother Nature has apparently given me little choise. So that is my next hurdle.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, sweetie! You are NOT alone! And Happy birthday! My birthday is February 23rd so my b-day next week also.
Hugs to you,
Kim
Thank you both! I'm going to do some stuff around the house today that needs to be done. Hoping that clearly out some old stuff will make a place for the "new!" :-)
ReplyDelete