Failure is such a harsh word.
As I sit here this morning, I first want to say that I don't think of myself as a failure (or at least not a complete one), but I realized this morning that I am no where near where I want to be in my life. As I think back at all the wrong choices I made or rather....perhaps...the choices I didn't make....I wonder how I let myself get to this point.
How is it...that I have thought so little of myself all these years that I let myself balloon up to 280 pounds? How is it that I have ended up in a relationship with a man who knows his wife isn't happy, but is more concerned with how changes would affect him than help fix the situation? How is it that I continue to go to bed too late --- get up too late and then kick myself because the day is slipping away before I even get started?
I don't know where I am going with this other than to say that nothing in my life is working right now.
Not one d*mn thing.
Next week, I will have a birthday and instead of looking back at all my accomplishments, I am instead seeing all the failures. Failed businesses. Failed job pursuits. Failed attempts at weight loss. Failure to successfully run my own writing business. Failure to fix my messed up marriage.
I want a do over.
I want to go back in time and make different choices and I want things to turn out differently. Only...I know you can't do that (or if you can - I haven't been let in on the secret). So....where do I go from here? I know things don't have to stay this way, but I'm not talking about fixing a few areas in my life that I need to work on, I am talking about the entire enchilada. The whole thing. I honestly don't have one thing in my life that is the way I want it right now (other than owning the puppy that I got and I am seriously doing him a disservice by not keeping him on any kind of schedule).
Anyway, I usually say on Fridays that I am going to take the weekend and figure things out, but I think this may take longer than that. I know I can change things, but how do you do it when you need a complete and total life makeover? Where do you even begin?
I don't know, but something has to give.