Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Talk Tuesday: Knowing when to let go

As many of you know, after my Dad passed away my mother accused me of trying to steal from her and at the advice of her family, hired an attorney to sue me after I tried to help her execute my Dad's Will.

At the time, I thought she had dementia or the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. Her family claims that they had her tested for this, but I don't actually believe they did. No one can provide a doctor's name and they all kind of walk around the question without answering it. Regardless of what the issue is with my mother, something was and remains way off with her and in reflection I think that something has been going on with her for years.

Well, over the holidays I tried (yet again) to get her to see what she had done and even sent an email to my uncle asking him to explain it to her. I got a letter (snail mail!) from him this past Saturday, in which he basically stepped over my request and repeated the same ole song and dance that he always does. The "song and dance" being that he picks one little piece of my email to half-answer and ignores the rest of it.

As usual, this has disrupted my life. I lay awake at night thinking of ways to respond to his letter. I have imaginary conversations with my mother where I explain to her exactly how much she has hurt me. This all goes round and round in my mind and I go from vowing to have nothing to do with either of them again to thinking that if I could just do one more thing....perhaps then she will realize what she did.

The thing is, I am at reaching a point where I think it is may be time to let go. I have somewhat come to the conclusion that even if she were to suddenly apologize, I don't think the bell (so to speak) can actually be unrung. Even if they finally say, "well, we realize your mother was under mental duress after the death of your father..." I don't think I can ever get over what she said and did.

My mother and I have never had a good relationship. She is negative almost all the time and she likes to point out the bad in people and even worse...I realize now that she has been saying negative things about both me and my Dad to her relatives for years and years. It became apparent after Dad passed that her brothers and sisters didn't like him. They had, after all, only been hearing her side of things and never bothered to look at the whole bigger picture. If they had, they would see a critical woman who is and has always been unhappy with both herself and the people around her....which...at the time...were...me and my Dad.

Where I'm going with all this is that I seem to be coming to the conclusion that I just need to walk away and this time...stay away. I keep hoping that if I say the right thing or do the right thing, they will realize what they did and what she did and how she really is...but...in the back of my mind...I know that people don't often change their mind because someone makes them see the light. I suspect instead that they think I will finally come to accept what they did and that I will just have to deal with it. The thing they don't realize, however, is that basically I actually don't.

I have been fighting to stay in the life of someone who really doesn't deserve it. I am a loyal person. I am a good daughter. I was prepared to put up with my mother's crazy actions and deal with her verbal abuse because she's my mother.

The thing is...I am realizing that perhaps I no longer want to. I have forgiven her, but I think it is time for me to accept that I am not ever, ever going to forget....


  1. I understand being in a situation where you have been bad-mouthed and everyone just accepts the lies and treats you like they are true. It makes me wonder where everyone stashed their damn brains and critical thinking skills.

    Relationships can't be one sided, and I see nothing wrong with letting go. It's sad, but you didn't make it that way. Putting yourself out there to just be slapped every time you reach out is not good for you.

    1. Thanks! I don't know if any of them will ever realize what they did, but I kind of think they may slowly be starting to see that I'm not going to come around the way they thought I would. Just got to keep it straight in my head and move on!

  2. I think you are on the right path. Forgiving them is important because forgiveness brings you healing. Equally important is accepting that they are what they are.......

    1. You are so right. Sometimes I can do that - sometimes I think I can change them. It's a work in progress!